


The Dark Wolf and the Red Fox

by NoelDressary



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Regret, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-18 20:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20645234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoelDressary/pseuds/NoelDressary
Summary: "Regret is something I know well. Take care not to cling to it, to hold it so close that it poisons your soul."





	1. Falling Sky

**Author's Note:**

> So I had this idea a while back but only recently decided to start exploring it. I always headcanon all of my inquisitors as former Wardens, and after learning about how certain choices affect the world i came up with a question: What if the same Warden that killed Leliana in Origins was also the Inquisitor? And what if that Warden had also romanced her? Thus, Eryn Cousland was born. Her story has been my journey in answering that question, and for a story that once horrified me when I thought of it, I’ve become more and more fascinated by it. I have no idea if it will be even mildly entertaining to anyone else, but you don’t know if you don’t try. Enjoy! And feel free to comment below to tell me your likes, dislikes and any constructive criticisms. I’m new to fanfiction writing and I’m always eager to learn and get better.

The cold mountain air of the Frostbacks has a very distinct bite to it. Eryn Cousland recognized it the instant the regained her senses. Unlike the cold of the salt spray on the Storm Coast, the air was clear and devoid of any character. The salt spray tasted of the sea, but the mountain air tasted only of death. Emptiness and death. Both of which, she was intimately familiar with. The taste of the air brought back memories she would’ve preferred to forget. The flicker of torch light. The still icy air of the lifeless temple. The red of blood on the tiles. Pale skin growing paler. 

She was reluctantly dragged back into the real world as she heard a sound she didn’t recognize. At last she gained the strength to open her eyes. It was impossible, and yet here she was alive even after all she’d seen. Hadn’t she just escaped through a portal of some kind? Or had it all been some crazy dream? Her thoughts were in a jumble, and she stretched her shoulders, trying to focus. There was a clink and she suddenly realized she had been restrained. She sat on her knees restrained by her wrists. Looking around her she could see dark figures with swords. She glared suspiciously at them all, trying to show them that she wasn’t afraid. The same unusual sound that had woken her sounded off again and she glanced down at her hands. There was something glowing on her palm. Opening her hand, she was shocked to find a green fissure burned into her skin, glowing and sparkling with a life of its own. 

Countless questions were pouring into her mind when a door banged open and two people walked in. She squinted as the harsh light briefly rushed in, but when the door closed she could make out the figures who came in more clearly. As soon as they entered she knew at once that this day was only going to get weirder. _ Chantry folk. What have I ever done to the bloody chantry?! _ One stalked towards her, eyeing her menacingly with clenched fists. She ignored their attempts at petty intimidation and stood her ground; as well as she could from her knees, at least. She hadn’t known what to expect from the situation, and she hadn’t had much time to gather her thoughts, but what happened next took her off guard. 

“Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now.” The shock that the words produced were almost immediately smothered by indignation and fury. At that moment Eryn made a decision. She would probably die for what she said, but she didn't care. She wasn’t going to just sit there and take it. She’d been taking it from this forsaken world long enough. 

“You’d kill me just like that? For nothing?” Eryn inquired. The words were spoken softly but there was still a direct challenge in her voice.

“No, for the Divine. The conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead, except for you.” 

Eryn clenched her jaw in irritation and growled, “You’re still here aren’t you? How do we know it wasn’t your doing? And what exactly are you guys accusing me of, anyway? How did the conclave even get destroyed? Did a bloody dragon set it ablaze?”

As the first one barked her protest, Eryn ignored her and for the first time she allowed her gaze to drift over to the second visitor, who had been silently observing from a distance. When the other woman’s face came into focus, Eryns jaw dropped. It was impossible, and yet there was no mistake about it. It was a face she’d seen countless times, and an elegant frame she would recognize a mile away. At first, she quite literally didn’t believe her eyes and she had to take a double take. It had to be an illusion, a hallucination, or some bizarre dream. This couldn’t be real. 

There was a hand on her shoulder and suddenly her gaze was ripped away as the first woman shook her in anger. As she did, the second woman stepped forward and restrained the other. As soon as she spoke, there was no doubt left in Eryns mind. Her voice was unmistakable, something Eryn often heard on long lonely nights, dreaming of days long gone. 

_ Leliana. _

“Do you remember what happened? How this began?” 

Eryn tried to speak, but her head was swimming and she couldn’t get a hold of herself. “...I…” She barely croaked. It was the only sound she could emit. She was simply too stunned. She was so dazed by the jumble of emotions whirling around inside her head, that she didn’t notice as the first woman, her name was Cassandra, lead her outside into the blinding light. Her vision cleared and something flashed green somewhere in the sky. 

_ Looks like it’s going to be that kind of day… _

Cassandra went on to explain the situation. The massive hole in the sky was what they called the breach. The breach was a rift into the world of demons, and if they din’t act it would continue to grow until it swallowed our world. As the rift grew, so too did the green pulsing mark on Eryns palm; it was killing her. But this mark was also their only hope to closing the breach. Eryn wasn’t sure how to respond. If she had her way, she would’ve put as much distance between herself and this place as possible. But there was a little voice inside her that told her to stay. A voice that wasn’t her own, urging her to do the right thing when it made more sense to simply run. Finally she nodded, and agreed to help. Cassandra couldn’t hide her surprise as she dragged Eryn to her feet and lead her through the camp. 

As they went they were pursued by numerous judgeful eyes. Eryn realized that every one of them were actually fixed on her. There was surely no mercy in any of them. 

“They have decided you’re guilty.” Cassandra explained. “They need it.” 

Eryn looked around at the enraged faces, some looking as if they were ready to tear her apart right then and there, needing only the tiniest excuse. _ How very like people to be so quick to judge and slow to correct themselves. _ Eryn thought. _ I wonder how far I’d get even if I tried to run… _Without warning, a rock sailed out of the air and caught Eryn on the mouth before she could move out of the way. She grunted in pain as the rock cut into her lip, and felt a trickle of blood dripping over her chin. Her legs wobbled and wanted to fall, but she refused to let herself be knocked down. The suddenness of the blow was more powerful than the pain. On another day, she might’ve met with reprisal, but bound and imprisoned as she was there was nothing she could do but stand and take it. To her surprise Cassandra stood with her and called out to the onlookers, threatening anyone else who would harm the prisoner. Eryn felt like she should thank the Seeker, but at once decided against it. Even if these people didn’t get her, the chantry eventually would, and this woman was with the chantry. 

As Eryn trudged through the snow, slowly making her way towards the bleeding wound in the sky, she was reminded of the last time she was here. It was strange to be back in Haven under circumstances that were at once very different and very similar. The last time she was here was during the Blight. She and her band of misfits had come here looking for an impossible cure for the Arl of Redcliffe. Now she was here with a new band of misfits, on an impossible quest to close a hole in the sky. 

It was obvious that the Seeker had disapproved of her from the moment the two locked eyes, and that didn’t seem to be changing anytime soon. She liked Varric right away. Solas was too much of a mystery for now. She wasn’t sure she trusted him, but a part of her wanted to since he had kept her alive all this time. She just wished she understood his true motives. An elven mage seemed the most unlikely of allies to a group of chantry folk. 

At last they made it to the temple. Eryn would never shake the memory of what she saw. The temple had been obliterated, and there was almost nothing recognizable left. As she walked through the rubble, ash crunched beneath her boots, and she almost tripped on a charred body that she mistook for a fallen tree. As she walked through the rubble, she couldn’t help but feel a slight sense of guilt. She had no memory of what had happened, but what if they were right? What if she really was responsible for all this? If they were right about her guilt, then it seemed she’d just won herself another special place in the void. Many of these people had been simple priests and clerics. Men and women simply going about their business doing what they believed was right. _ Had Leliana known any of them? _

“You’re here!” Leliana’s voice called out behind them. Eryn turned and saw her but quickly averted her eyes. Instead she focused on the task in front of them. The breach was high in the sky, the rift it had spawned from hovered in the center of the wreckage pulsing green light around its surroundings. She turned quizzically to Solas.

“How am I meant to close it? I doubt I could get anywhere near the breach… unless we got a trebuchet to launch me up…”

“No. This rift was the first, and it is the key. Seal it and perhaps we seal the breach.”

Eryn shrugged, “Worth a shot I guess.”

As they made their way down, they passed walls of red crystals that looked like lyrium… and yet not. 

“Red lyrium.” Varic muttered. “Steer clear of that. It’s nasty stuff.”

There was something strange about this lyrium, and yet something also familiar; a wrongness that elicited a twist in the gut, a prickle up the back of the neck. The lyrium hummed with a strange, sweet sound that Eryn recognized without knowing what it was. “You hear that too, right?” 

“What are you talking about?” Cassandra demand.

“The lyrium is making weird noises. Don’t you hear it?”

Varic shook his head, “I don’t hear anything.”

Eryn took one last look at the lyrium, then continued on. “Forget it. I must’ve hit my head or something.”

As they approached the rift, voices began to echo out. Eryn recognized none of them, but Cassandra recognized the one that belonged to the Divine. Soon a blurred memory played out in front of them. The Divine held captive but a figure cloaked in shadow, and a lone figure in the corner, suddenly coming into view. The lone figure was Eryn, who had a blade in someone’s neck. The Divine called out to her, and the figure gave the order to kill her, then the memory faded. 

“You _ were _there!” Cassandra’s voice startled Eryn out of her thoughts, not giving her anytime to absorb what she’d just seen. “Who attacked? And the Divine, is she- Was this vision true?! What are we seeing?!” The questions were suddenly tumbling out all at once and Eryn tried to fork through her mind to find the answers. Try as she might she couldn’t find the memory that matched what they’d just seen. Blank; an empty page in her mind. She reached for the memory, but nothing was there. Finally she blurted out, 

“I don’t remember!” sounding as frustrated as she was. 

Solas’s reasonable voice broke the tension, “The rift is closed but not fully sealed. You will have to reopen it and seal it properly.” His words brought Eryn back to the present.

“That means demons. Stand ready!”

Eryn nodded and approached the rift, feeling the others readying themselves for battle around her. Green light darted across her palm as she raised her hand to the rift. As expected, opening the rift brought a demon through; a pride demon. The demon eyed her menacingly and Eryn took a deep breath as she grabbed her daggers. _ Here we go again. _

It seemed to take forever to kill the demon. Eryn wondered if they’d ever get to the end, but at last the damned thing fell. Without hesitation, fearing that more demons would come to join this one, she raised her hand and began to seal the rift. This one took longer to seal than the others, and she also noticed a sharp pain coursing through her palm, and reaching down her arm. It was an unsettling feeling and part of her wondered if her hand was about to blow off. For a moment, she considered stopping and running, but it was too late to change her mind now. She closed her eyes shut and felt the world shatter as an explosive shockwave sent her flying back. She didn’t even remember hitting the ground. 


	2. Whose Hero

Eryn opened her eyes, and was surprised twice. The first surprise was that she was still alive, and the other was the room she found herself in. She was lying on a comfortable bed in a cosy cabin with animal skins on the walls, as much to keep the chill out as to decorate the place. Someone had undressed her. Her dark leather armor was gone, and only her slacks and black cotton undershirt remained. The familiar feel of the upright collar against her cheek was strangely comforting, and she resisted the impulse to tie up the laces at her chest; that could wait until later. She closed her eyes and for a moment she was back home in Fereldan. A fireplace crackled beside her, the cabins wooden planks creaked in the wind… then there was a loud clunk as something hit the floor. Eryn jerked and glanced around to find an elf standing before the crate she’d accidentally dropped. Eryn let out a sigh of relief and tried to calm her nerves. 

“I didn’t know you were awake, I swear.” The elf apologized frantically. 

Eryn waved a hand dismissing it as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. “Just startled me is all.” Her head throbbed, she felt dizzy, and had to take a moment to gather herself. She’d gotten up too quickly. When her mind got a foothold on her surroundings she asked, “Where am I? Is this another prison? Did the breach- is it safe now?”

“You’re in Haven, my lady.” Eryn cringed internally at that title. She hated it when people referred to her like that. She knew the elf was just being polite, and resisted the urge to correct her.  _ I’m not a damned noble. Not anymore.  _ “The breach stopped growing, just like the mark on your hand. It’s all anyone has talked about for the past few days.” Days? She was unconscious for a while. 

Eryn glanced down at the mark on her hand. It was true, the glowing green fissure was silent. “Then… They’re pleased?” Eryn asked, a tiny spark of hope lighting up her eyes. Maybe now they’d let her go, and she could get on with her life. 

“The breach is still in the sky, but they say the immediate danger is over.” I’m sure lady Cassandra would want to speak with you.”

Eryn nodded. “And where is she now?”

“She waits for you in the chantry, along with the lord chancellor.”

_ Chancellor Rodrick. That’s not a good sign.  _ Then the elf was gone, and Eryn was at last left on her own to reflect. She managed to get to her feet, the bare feet sinking into the fur rug, and approached the wash basin in the corner. As she splashed cold water on her face, she sifted through recent events and considered. 

The breach had been closed, but supposedly it was still in the sky, which meant that her work wasn’t fully done. They would no doubt try to hang onto her so they could finish the job. If Rodrick was still here, then he likely still wanted her prosecuted or killed, or both. Maybe they’d just cut her arm off and use it to close the breach without her. Would the chantry really do that? Eryn would like to believe that they would be against such barbarity, but these days she found it difficult to expect civility of anyone. ‘Hope for the best, plan for the worst’, was what she always told herself. 

She wiped her face dry and pulled on her boots. As she glanced in the mirror, she noticed that the wound on her lip had healed and left a scar. Yet another one to add to her collection. On impulse she tightened the strings on her shirt, a habit that had been pounded into her by her mother who refused to allow her daughter to run around like a hooligan. She was always trying to wrangle her daughter into being the proper noble woman she was. Eryn could almost hear her mother scolding her now.

_ “I’ll not have you wandering about with your cleavage out like a tavern wench.” _

_ “Mother!”  _

Satisfied, she turned and headed for the door. She would’ve taken her daggers as a precaution, but they weren’t here. She was just going to have to make do without. Eryn wondered about that. Had the daggers been lost in the explosion, or did someone take them deliberately? Had someone been expecting her to make a run for it? 

From the moment she had woken up in this place, she had thought she was in a dream, and now that dream seemed to taking her in a new and quite unexpected direction. She walked out to find herself in a blindingly white world. She was in a town somewhere in the mountains, and there were people everywhere milling about and talking quietly amongst themselves. Two soldiers had been standing at her door and they saluted her as she walked past.  _ Haven.  _ It was strange to see it still standing after all these years, and filled with a bunch of chantry folk, as opposed to the group of raging heretics she had found when she first came here. In many ways, it was still the same as it always had been. A tiny village sitting at the foot of a mountain buried in snow, mountains surrounding it like the stone walls of a fort. But the place was still technically Fereldan, and everything Fereldan was built not to impress but to endure. 

Looking up, the breach loomed in the sky. A swirling pulsating mass of bright green light with green bolts of lightning arching out from it, silently brooding as if waiting to unleash its terror once again. As she walked along the path towards the chantry, she was reminded of her last trip here, and immediately wanted to forget it.

_ “What are you doing in Haven? There’s nothing for you here.” _

_ They continued walking, then when they were out of earshot Morrigan spoke up. _

_ “They are hiding something. ‘Tis obvious, is it not?”  _

_ “What makes you say that?” Eryn asked sarcastically. _

As soon as the memory was upon her, she stopped and forced herself to think of something else. A difficult task when memories surrounded her so oppressively. 

As she made her way through the village, crowds of people stopped and looked at her as if in shock. She watched them anxiously, longing for her daggers. Were they about to attack her like the villagers from last time? But as she continued on her way she heard them mumbling to each other.

“That’s her… That’s the Herald of Andraste…” 

_ Herald of Andraste? Where did that come from?!  _ She continued on and forced herself to forget about it. These people were still shaken up by recent events and clearly weren’t thinking straight. It made sense that they’d be looking for some sign that their Maker hadn’t abandoned them, regardless of how preposterous that sign was. 

The chantry doors creaked open. Somehow, Eryn didn’t remember them being so heavy. It sometimes occurred to Eryn that all chantries seemed to have been built by the same architect. They were all narrow buildings with a few rooms at the far end, full of candles and the smell of incense. She made her way through the silent building, seeing only a handful of chantry folk standing about, but no sign of Cassandra. She heard voices coming from a door at the far end of the room and approached it cautiously, trying not to make herself heard. She stood close to the door, listening to the muffled voices. In the silence of the hall, the voices were audible enough to hear from the other side of the room.

Deciding that now was a good time to interrupt, Eryn pushed open the door and found a familiar group of faces standing around a large table; Leliana, Cassandra, and Chancellor Rodrick. She remembered Chancellor Rodrick well. The man had been all too quick to point fingers, and seemed uninterested in actually solving anything. He had insisted that they leave, and that their position was hopeless. He had also made it clear that he wanted Eryn’s head on his desk. As she entered, Chancellor Rodrick broke eye contact with the Seeker but his gaze hardly softened. He aimed an accusing finger at Eryn and barked at the guards louder than he needed to, “Chain her! I want her prepared for travel to the capital for trial.”

Eryn sighed and raised her hands, awaiting the all-too-familiar feeling of cold steel against her wrists.

“Disregard that, and leave us.” Though Cassandra’s words were spoken calmly, they seemed to carry more authority. The guards saluted and left, closing the door behind them. Eryn watched them go then turned quizzically to Cassandra. 

“You walk a dangerous line, Seeker.” Rodrick grumbled. 

“The Breach is stable but it is still a threat. I will  _ not  _ ignore it.”

Eryn glared at the cleric and huffed exasperatedly, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m seriously still a suspect? Even after all that’s happened?” 

“Yes, you are.” The cleric spoke the words in a low menacing tone.

Eryn was growing tired of this self-righteous prick, “You want your petty justice so bad,” She put her fists and the table and glowered up at him challengingly, “Why don’t you grow a pair and take my head yourself.” The air in the room became as brittle as the ice in the rogue’s glare. Although it was a ludicrous idea, Eryn hoped that a dagger would suddenly appear from the clerics sleeve and she’d be stabbed and killed before anyone knew what had happened. It would be nice to finally leave the mess that her life had become. Whatever damnation waited for her after death, it couldn’t possibly be worse than this. But of course, death never came. After a long, awkward silence between the rogue and the cleric, Cassandra interrupted, trying to be more reasonable. 

“No, I no longer believe she is guilty.” 

Her words surprised Eryn. She looked up as Cassandra continued, looking back and forth between her and the cleric, confused as to whose side she was on. As they continued to argue back and forth, Eryn zoned out and glanced over at Leliana again. She was still not fully recovered from the shock of find her alive. She had seen Leliana die, she’d actually watched the life leave her eyes, and she’d seen it more times than she cared to… unwillingly. The memory brought her mind to a dark place, but then again her mind was filled with such places. 

She must’ve zoned out for a while, because the next thing she knew Cassandra was yelling something about the inquisition and restoring order, and the chancellor was storming out enraged. She blinked a few times and saw Cassandra looking up at her with eyes that had lost any doubt. “We must act now, with you at our side.”

Eryn bit her lip nervously. “Do I really have a choice?”

“You’re free to go if you wish.” Leliana spoke this time, her words level. She must’ve been expecting this from Eryn, she knew her too well. 

“So if I were to turn around and walk out right now…” Eryn started, not believing there was any real choice in the matter. She wasn’t really a person to them, she was a means to an end, and one they could ill afford to lose. 

“To what end?” Cassandra was less calm, for obvious reasons. “You cannot run forever. And we can only protect you if you are with us. Can you truly turn your back on this a pretend it never happened?”

“I’ve been doing it for years now, and I’ve gotten pretty good at it.” She glanced at Leliana as she spoke, and there was an unspoken understanding between them. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want any part in this holy war of yours. I don’t want to get involved. I’ve seen enough war for one lifetime…”

“You are already involved. The breach has left its mark upon you, a mark you don’t even understand.” 

Eryn considered, every fiber was screaming at her to leave. With the urgency of a bolting animal she wanted to run. But could she live with herself if she did leave? No one had any power over the rifts, at least none that they knew of. If she was gone, they’d lose any chance they might have of fixing this mess, and the breach might one day become unstable again. She knew that if her father was here, he’d want her to stay. He’d tell her she had a responsibility to these people.

_ “The moment someone puts their trust in you, you have a responsibility to them. It doesn’t matter if you asked for their trust or not, they’ve given it to you anyway, and anything that happens to them is on your head.”  _

“Yeah, alright… I’ll stay for now. At least until we can find another way to close the rifts. Maybe it’ll give the chantry time to calm down and forget about me, so I can disappear with ease when I leave.”

Cassandra held out her hand, her grip tightening unpleasantly when Eryn shook it. “A bad excuse is better than none at all.”

Eryn shrugged and left. 

As soon as Eryn was gone, Cassandra glowered at the door. “How well do you know her?”

“Well enough to know she has other reasons for being here.” Leliana replied, “Don’t let that careless manner fool you, she’s not nearly as selfish as she pretends, even if she won’t admit it.” 

“You said she was a noble once? She certainly doesn’t behave like one.”

“She’s always been like that. And now that she’s a grey warden she has little reason to act like a noble. Although, now she’s far more reckless than I remember.” As usual, she masked her worry behind a neutral face. 

“Can we trust her? From what I’ve heard of her, she’s hardly lived a noble life since the Blight. She’s a blade for hire. An assassin.”

“I’ll have one of my agents keep a close eye on her. I don’t think she’d betray us, but with her you can never be sure.” Her eyes darkened, “She may have good intentions, but she won’t always make the best decisions.”

As Eryn made her way down to the smith to see about getting new daggers, Varric's voice called out and she stopped for a moment, “So, now that Cassandra’s out of earshot, how are you holding up?”

Eryn smiled and shrugged, “You’ll be the first to know once I find out.”

Varric chuckled, “I hear that, none of this shit makes sense. Even I can barely keep up.” 

“I keep hoping I’ll wake up one more time and realize this was all some crazy dream.” 

“I bet, Hero.”

Eryn frowned. “I see that title will never die…”

“When you kill an archdemon and live to tell the tale, I think the people are entitled to give you a bit of credit.”

“I’d rather they just let me be.”

“It’s not so bad, is it? Being the Hero of Fereldan is sure to have it’s own perks. They gave you a statue.”

_ I only said that once as a joke! _ She didn't think anyone would actually take that request seriously. “Alistair was the real hero of that story. He was the only one who had a heroic outlook on it all. He was a good man trying to do the right thing, I just happened to be the only one there who actually took charge, since the boy refused to do so. He was the only real grey warden of that story, and yet I stole all the glory from him just because I-” She stopped herself, and took a deep breath before continuing, “I should’ve let him take the killing blow. He was the one who actually deserved the glory.” 

“It’s a good tale all around, and the people look up to you. After so many great men dying, we could use another role model.” 

Eryn shook her head, “I’m a poor choice for one. I’ve made far too many stupid mistakes to be anyone’s role model.” 

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. I don’t know about most people, but I like a hero who tries their damnedest even if they fail a lot.”

Eryn raised an eyebrow at that. 

“It’s easy to be valiant when you always win and everything goes your way, there’s nothing great in that.” 

She nodded, “When you put it that way… I see…” 

“Even your parent’s story makes for quite the romantic hero’s tale. ‘The Soldier and the Seawolf’. I might considering writing a book about it.”

Eryn smiled, comforted by thoughts of her family, “I’m sure they’d appreciate that… as would I.”   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little did she know…. Varric sucks at romance… :)


	3. Ashes

_ Eryn gingerly reached out and took a pinch of ashes from the urn, grateful that the movement hadn’t triggered a trap. Satisfied she turned around to face the others. Morrigan and Sten were watching with the same cold expression they always had on their face. Alistair had once joked that their faces would get stuck that way, but Eryn was convinced that had already happened. “Alright. Let’s get going.” _

_ The others turned to leave but Eryn lagged behind purposely. There was still something she had to do, and she wanted to do it out of sight of someone in particular. But even as she came back to the urn, she heard the voice of that very someone, _

_ “You don’t still intend to do this, do you?” Leliana stood behind her, watching with a mixture of horror and disbelief. _

_ “I don’t want to, believe me. But Kolgrim… He might attack us if we fail to follow through. He might call my bluff. And I can’t trust anymore lives to my ability to lie convincingly… You remember what happened the last time I failed at that…” _

_ “We may still stand a chance against them.” _

_ “Not if he calls that dragon of his to aid them. There’s dozens of them and only four of us… I don’t think that’s a fight we can win.” _

_ “But that still doesn’t excuse this!” _

_ “I can’t take that chance… I’m sorry, I just can’t… I have more important things to worry about. There are more important battles to be fought. Besides, this place was bound to be found out and defiled sooner or later. I’m sorry.” _

_ She reluctantly pulled the bottle of red liquid of out her pack, and held it in her hands. She’ll get over it, she thought, hopefully I’ll be able to talk her down and we’ll all just move on. _

_ “I’m sorry too.” _

_ Eryn heard the sound of daggers being unsheathed, and turned around just in time to dodge one that Leliana had aimed at her neck. It took Eryn a while to recover from the shock and finally take out her own daggers, but even then she still wasn’t sure this was even happening. Leliana was attacking her, and Eryn was soon frantic to find a way to get her to stop. She didn’t want to hurt her. Couldn’t they just talk this out? Defending herself was becoming more and more difficult as she tried to think of what to do. _

_ She had two choices, she could either try for a disabling shot to the leg and risk accidentally damaging her fatally, or she could drop her daggers and let Leliana kill her. She made her decision too quickly; a disabling cut to the leg. She held both hands upright in a block, and prepared for a downward slice to the knee, when there was a terrible sound of tearing flesh. She looked up, and saw a sword that wasn’t her own sticking out of Lelian’s chest. Eryn’s daggers clattered to the floor as Leliana pitched forward and she moved to catch her. There she knelt on the floor, watching helplessly as Leliana’s life slowly embed away. She was too stunned to think, or even speak. Her mouth moved but all that came out was an unintelligible mess. Her eyes burned and she bit her lip as she felt it tremble. The tears didn’t fall, but she could feel them in her eyes, a dam that strained yet refused to break. _

_ At last she looked up and saw where that sword had come from. Sten stood emotionless before her, his blade, the sword she’d helped him find, was still covered in Leliana’s blood. Eryn looked up at him with eyes that held all the hatred in the world. Her teeth hurt as she clenched them almost as tight as her throat was. She set Leliana down with care, then stood up and began berating the qunari, her face burning red and the veins in her neck about to burst. _

_ “YOU DID NOT HAVE TO KILL HER! What have you done?! Are you mad?!” _

_ “I have just halted a betrayal and saved your life. I am not the mad one. You should be thanking me.” _

_ Eryn’s glare only darkened, “No!… That’s not… That’s not how it happened!...” Her eyes lowered, and they were briefly hidden in darkness. “She never betrayed me… It was me… who lost faith in her…” When she raised her eyes to the qunari all that shown in them was hate. “And now you’ve taken yet another innocent life…” _

_ An inferno of rage consumed her consciousness, and she lunged for her daggers, coming at the qunari with the ferocity of a rabid mabari. Sten deflected many of her blows easily, his cool remaining as he waited for an opening. It came, and his blade struck her shoulder, cutting so deep he felt it chip bone. To his surprise, Eryn didn’t seem to care. She let out an enraged scream, an animal-like cry that suggested equal amounts of emotional and physical suffering. Her blades continued forward into his chest, and the mountain of qunari muscle fell. _

_ Without realizing he was dead, she continued stabbing her daggers into his body, her mind trapped in a never ending chain of violence. The shape beneath her began to alter, and it was a woman. Dark hair, dark knowing eyes that could have belonged to an raven or a crow. A woman she thought she’d killed in Denerim. A woman who just wouldn’t stay dead. Who wouldn’t stop mocking her from beyond the grave. No matter how many times she stabbed, those eyes still danced at her. With each stab, with each spilling of more blood, a never ending stream of grief-filled blame repeated in her head. It’s your fault. It’s you fault. It’s your fault. _

_ A hand grabbed her arm and a voice spoke in a harsh voice she knew well, “Stop!” She turned her head and saw Morrigan standing there. As usual, it was near impossible ot tell what was going on in those eyes. “I think he’s dead.” _

_ She looked down again, and saw the bloody mess of the qunari she’d made. She jerked her hand away, still caught up in her cloud of rage, but left the qunari where he lay. She pulled out the bottle of blood again and cried out in rage as she sent it smashing into the tiles. She never wanted to see the bloody thing again. She walked away and sat on the steps panting, then her eyes wandered back over to Leliana, and her heart ached again. It was this memory that stayed with her the most, and seemed to haunt her mind most strongly. The flicker of torch light. The still icy air of the lifeless temple. The red of blood on the tiles. Pale skin growing paler. _

_ “There’s nothing I can do.” Morrigan said, as she healed the cut on Eryns shoulder “She’s gone. I’m sorry.” She didn’t sound very sorry at all. _

_ Eryn knelt beside Leliana again, “I’ll be right out in a minute, Morrigan. Just give me a few.” _

_ The witch nodded and turned, “Don’t be too long. The dragon might wake up soon.” _

_ When Eryn next appeared she looked different. It wasn’t just the deadness in her eyes, and the hard set in her jaw. There was a coldness about her as tangible as the mountain snow. Fitting for her steel grey eyes, Morrigan thought. _

_ What followed was an explosion of violence that defies articulation. The slaughter that Eryn had once wanted to avoid, was now the only logical course of action. Leliana was gone. She had nothing left to lose. She walked out of the temple, dazed and barely grasping at lucidity. When the rest of the cultists arrived, Kolgrim approached her and asked if it was done. Eryn stared back with glassy, empty eyes that were more suited to a corpse. Without a word she stepped forward and glided her blade through his flesh. Almost at once her pain became anger, and the inferno consumed her in an instant. In a fierce rage she took them all on, taking countless injuries seemingly without noticing any of them. She fought without stopping, even when the dragon joined, until every one of them was dead. Standing panting amidst the blood and carnage, her blood mixing with her sweat, the frigid mountain air cutting into her wounds, and chest aching, Eryn allowed herself a moment to reflect, and longed for a death that never came. Finally able to absorb the events of that had just taken place, Eryn allowed a single tear to slide down her cheek. _

She woke up with a gasp for air. She was lying in bed, the moonlight spilling in through the cracks in the wooden walls. She sat up in bed and wiped the tears from her face with her sleeve, panting in the darkness. Her clothes and sheets were soaked in sweat. She ran a hand through her hair, feeling the droplets of sweat. _ How many times must I see this? How long do You intend to torture me before letting me die? _ The darkness pressed around her, as she felt her demons clenching around her heart again. Voices that weren’t her own filled the empty spaces of her mind, blotting out all logic. _ Failure. Worthless. Heartless. Murderer. Traitor. Monster. You killed her. How could you let that happen to her? Why didn’t you even try to stop it? You were their leader, you were in charge. Don’t you even care? Are you really any better than- _She abruptly stood up, and pulled on her coat and boots. She needed to get out of her head. 

The snow crunched softly beneath her boots as she wandered around the lake just outside Haven. The frozen surface of the lake reflected the light of the moon, but it reflected the green light from the breach most strongly. Normally, one would expect ice to be see-through, but this ice was far too thick. Instead of looking like a sheet of glass, it looked more like poorly made stone flooring, with smooth areas in some places, and jagged pieces rising up in others. A faint dusting of snow was whipped up by the wind and almost looked like little white auroras as it danced across the icy surface. 

Then she found the little wooden jetty that looked just as old and weatherbeaten as it had 10 years ago. She stepped cautiously unto the wooden planks, feeling it creak unsettlingly under her weight, but as sketchy as it looked it was actually stable. She made her way to the edge and sat down with her legs dangling over. As she sat there, she allowed other memories to surface; the ones she actually wanted to remember. This was where Leliana had kissed her while Sten and Morrigan where trading with that other merchant. If she closed her eyes, she could almost feel those lips upon her own. The memory was bitter sweet, but sweet enough to quiet her mind, if only for a moment. 

Eryn walked around Haven for the first few days with her hood on. It wasn’t just that she was a well known criminal and didn’t want to attract the wrong sort of attention, she was tired of people looking at her with awe and hope. They looked at her like she was this holy being, the embodiment of Andraste herself. Her gut twisted at the very thought of it. She hated the comparison. If constantly having her hood on annoyed any of her companions, they never voiced it. 

Haven’s tavern was a simple building. It was barley big enough for more than a few dozen people, but few in the village even came here. That’s why Eryn liked it. Although the place was a little too close to Leliana’s tent for her liking, she enjoyed a place to drink and hear the bards songs. As she listened, she was reminded of the Blight. Those quiet nights when they grew bored of the silence and Leliana filled it with her lovely lilting voice. This new bard wasn’t quite as good, but she was still better than most. Eryn sat at a table drinking, her mind drifting, when someone’s voice piped up. 

“Oi. Slattern!” She raised her eyes to see a hot headed drunkard staggering towards her. “I’ve seen your face before. You’re the Dark Wolf arn’t you?”

“Shut your bloody gob before I cork it with my blade!” She spat at him, giving him a menacing look that said it was hardly an idle threat. Then a hand yanked down her hood. Her elbow shot up and into the man’s face, and as he staggered back she stood up, a bottle in hand. He regained his balance, then threw a left hook at her chin. At the last moment, she ducked left, and followed up with a bottle to the head. The fragments of glass showered down as the bottle’s contents drenched his face and mixed with his blood. 

“You bitch!” As it turned out, the hot head had friends. Eryn only just had time to duck out of the way of a punch aimed at her face, which sailed over her head and plowed straight into the man who happened to be standing right next to her. She sent the shattered remains of the bottle into the thigh of the man who’d swung at her. The man cried out in pain and the man he’d accidentally punched hit him back, sending him crashing into the ground clutching his leg. Eryn was just about to leave when she noticed more men standing, their eyes showing that they remembered the criminal that had been terrorizing the city of Denerim over the past 10 years. 

Unsurprisingly, things got out of hand quite quickly and Eryn decided to make a run for it. One of the entrances came into sight and she made for it. She climb over the two unconscious bodies and almost slipped in a pool of... something, but she made it out into crisp mountain air. She heard two men coming after her and sprinted through the village, not even sure anymore where she was going. She glanced over her shoulder for a moment, then her foot caught on something, the ground slipped away then came hurtling towards her. She smacked into the ground, looking up into a pair of eyes that mirrored the sky. She took in Leliana’s disarming beauty, and allowed herself to be distracted by it for a fleeting moment. The bright red hair that glowed like fire, the delicate pink lips that tasted as sweet as they looked, and the flawless pale skin that could’ve been made of porcelain. _ If anyone could be called the embodiment of Andraste, it’d be her. _

The sound of footsteps brought her back into reality, and she stumbled to her feet making to sprint away, but there was a hand on her arm, holding her back. She turned and realized it was Leliana’s hand. She tugged on her arm, but Leliana wouldn’t let go, and the group of vengeance seeking drunkards had caught up. Did she mean to let the bastards have her? Eryn opened her mouth to plead for mercy, then stopped herself. She was hardly in any position to ask her for a favor, and she supposed the bard was entitled to a little revenge after what had happened. 

One of the pursuers aimed a finger in her direction. “Sister Nightingale, we have a criminal in our midst. This bitch is the Dark Wolf.” 

Eryn stood silently with her eyes trained on the ground, awaiting the thud of fists against her face. Leliana let go of her arm.

“This woman is the Herald of Andraste. Whatever she was before, that is what she is now.” 

At that exact moment, her hand crackled to life. She looked down and realized that one of her gloves was gone, leaving the mark on display. She glanced over at Leliana and found the glove in her hand, hidden from the others. She hadn’t even noticed the spymaster take it off. The man who had spoken was shocked and wary. 

“Surely the Maker wouldn’t have chosen…” 

“We cannot know the Maker’s plans for us. And we cannot see into people’s hearts as He can. While we may see a jet black heart, he may see one that is noble and true.” Eryn bit her tongue and did her best to hold back her laughter. As if the Maker would want anything to do with her beyond chucking her into the deeps pits of the void. “None of us has lived a life without mistakes, and shouldn’t we all get the chance to make up for them? She’s trying seal the breach and saved us all, at the very least you can allow her to live long enough to try.”

And with that they moved away, and Eryn was left alone with the spymaster. 

“I see you haven’t lost your silver tongue.” She commented, trying to break the tense moment.

“And you haven’t lost your gift for starting trouble.” Leliana retorted as she handed back Eryn’s glove. Although the words were spoken indignantly, Eryn caught an undertone of nostalgic amusement. Eryn shrugged and let a little smile flicker across her face. 

“You look different.”

Eryn looked up to see Leliana looking at her with a softer look in her eyes. Eryn noticed the difference in her, and for a moment she could see the woman she’d fallen in love with all those years ago. She decided to indulge in the moment. 

“I certainly hope so, after 10 years.” 

“You cut your hair.” It was true. Eryn’s dark hair had once been at shoulder length, but it was now a short pixie cut, with a few thick strands hanging over her eyes. 

“And yours is just the same as it’s always been. Haven’t you considered doing anything different with it?” Eryn said, trying to direct the conversation away from herself. 

“Your hair’s not the only thing thats different.”

Eryn was startled when she felt Leliana’s hand briefly on her cheek as she turned her head, and Eryn knew she was referring to the scar stretching down from her eye on the left side of her face. 

“Oh, that. That was from Kolgrim.” Eryn shrugged and ran her fingers over the jagged lines cut into her skin. 

“You’re lucky he missed your eye. He almost killed you.” 

“... Yeah…” Eryn nodded as she looked up at Leliana, enjoying the moments when the bard wasn’t swept up in her work or layered in her emotionless masks. “A lot of people have tried.” As she spoke, the thoughts brought to mind a question she desperately needed answered. “Speaking of that… What happened to you Leliana?” 

The question brought discomfort for obvious reasons and the bard turned away. 

“I watched you die.” Eryn didn’t enjoy reliving that moment but she forced herself to continued, she needed answers, no matter how painful. “You didn’t have a pulse or breath or anything. Believe me, I’m an assassin for hire. I know what death looks like, and you were definitely gone… Or… Are you just that good at fooling me?” 

“I don’t know.” Leliana said in a voice that wasn’t her own. “I don’t know what happened to me. I remember dying, I remember my vision fading. Then I woke later in agony, and the ashes were gone. I have no explanation for how I survived.” 

“But that’s-” 

“Impossible, I know. But I’m still here, regardless of what you believe.” She walked away brushing past Eryn as she did, and whispered, “... It’s also impossible to pass physically through the fade and survive...” 

“You have me there…” Eryn admitted. “... You said the ashes were gone… Could that be how…” She was turning the question over and over in her mind as she voiced it. It seemed both ridiculous and plausible at the same time. She’d seen those ashes heal Eamon, if a single pinch of ash could do that, imagine what the whole urn could do…

“It seems we will never know for certain. Like many things.” Then she was gone, and Eryn was alone again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally gonna keep this part of Eryn's past a secret for a little longer, but I figured that would just infuriate people, and there was no real reason to do so beyond building suspense, so I figured I may as well get it out in the open.


	4. Tempered

The sound of metal scrapping against wood seemed to be calling out to Eryn as she approached the clearing just outside Havens gates. She moved through the crowds of soldiers practicing for battle. Blades of iron shimmered in the sunlight as they flashed through the air. The metal screeched like crows as it scrapped against their armor, and barked as it bounced off a shield or another blade. The sight brought back memories from the Blight. The hopeless battle at Ostagar. Men screaming in agony as the darkspawn tore them apart. Dark crimson soaking the earth like rain. The sickening thud as bodies began to liter the ground. The repulsive smell of the darkspawn’s taint mixing with the dead. The feeling of something piercing her chest. Looking down and seeing the arrows protruding from her chest, the feathered ends quivering ever so slightly. 

“Ugh!” Cassandra’s voice brought her back into reality as she resisted the urge to touch the scars littering her chest. Cassandra was standing before what had once been a practice dummy. Now it was a pile of splintered wood. It looked as if a child had disassembled a table or a chair, but hadn’t bothered to undo any of screws or bolts holding it together. 

“Wishing that was me?” Eryn said, the corners of her mouth twitched up briefly.

“What? That?”

“Who else would you be that upset with?” Eryn shook her head as she moved past the Seeker. 

“I cannot help but feel as I do. But while you continue to aid us without complaint, I would not see you injured.”

“Right. To seal the breach.” She glanced down at the green fissure in her hand. “You think maybe someone could still use it if we just cut my hand off?” 

Cassandra let out a harsh breath, “This is why I dislike you.” 

“Dislike is a pretty kind word…” Eryn said, “I figured despise or hate would be more accurate.” 

Cassandra took a swing at another dummy, droplets of sweat sliding down the side of her face. “You are only here because you have no choice. You are a coward who would rather run off and forget this ever happened. You would rather stand back and let someone else fix this, or even let the world be swallowed.”

“Well I… Wouldn’t go that far…” Eryn muttered, then the Seeker seemed to have second thoughts. She stopped for a moment and turned towards Eryn.

“I’m sorry. That was unfair. You once stood against an Archdemon and saved all of Fereldan. I hardly think I can call you a coward after that. It’s just… hard to picture you that way now.”

Eryn wasn’t sure how to respond to that. 

“But I need to know something Eryn,” Cassandra dropped her sword and looked at Eryn with a hardened gaze, “I need to know I can trust you.” 

Eryn crossed her arms and regarded Cassandra coldly, “And you don’t?”

“You  _ were  _ an assassin. You killed for money.”

_ Oh, I see what this is about now.  _ “I still am, technically.” Eryn’s gaze only got icier, “And Leliana was a bard. You give no qualms about trusting her.”

“I’ve worked with her for years! We-”

The steel in her eyes were suddenly sharpened to a point that could stab just as easily as the daggers on her back. “An assassin will only kill you. A bard will take you out for dinner and kill you in bed. Or trip you up on the stairs and watch you break your neck, insisting it was an accident. Most the time they do worse than killing, and you may wish they’d killed you instead of what they actually did. An assassin doesn’t pretend you tripped and fell on their daggers.” Eryn couldn’t keep the contempt out of her voice even if she tried to. 

“Do you not trust her?” 

Eryns face softened, and for a moment she almost looked sad “I trust her a hell of a lot more than myself… But my trust in her has nothing to do with her former profession.” A breeze washed over both of them, “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m between jobs at the moment. And no one’s going to pay me to kill any of the outcasts around here. Except maybe the chantry, and I don’t deal with those bigots.” 

“Comforting…” She muttered before walking away. She only got a few steps before she turned back towards Eryn. “I’m curious, what were you even doing at the conclave?”

Eryn was silent for a moment, her hand fiddling with something in her pocket. Then she shrugged, and said with a faint smile, “I just wanted to see what it looked like from the inside.” 

Eryn approached Leliana’s tent uneasily. Ordinarily she would’ve done her best to avoid Leliana, but Josephine had asked her to deliver a report to her and she’d agreed without thinking. Now she was regretting it. She took a deep breath and made her way into Leliana’s tent. The Spymaster was preoccupied with something on her table and didn’t look up as she approached. Eryn inched up and laid the report on the table next to her hand, then turned to leave. 

As she left, one of Leliana’s agents rushed past her. Eryn had only glimpsed his face, but she had seen enough to know that the news he brought was dire. Curiosity got the better of her, and she stopped to listen in on the conversation that followed.

“So it’s true. Butler has turned on us. He’s killed Farrier. One of my best agents. And he knows where the others are. You know what must be done. Make it clean. Painless, if you can. We were friends once.”

Eryn wasn’t sure she believed what she was hearing. The woman who spoke those words wasn’t the same woman she’d met in Lothering ten years ago. Back then, she was the one to stop Eryn from killing those men in the tavern. She had told Eryn that there was no need.

_ “They tried to kill us, and you think my retaliation is unnecessary!?” _

_ “And now they are no threat to you. They’ve surrendered, you must show them mercy.” _

_ “Must I? The mercy of a quick death is what anyone should expect from me.” _

_ “You are better than that.” _

She had looked at Eryn so earnestly back then, such unwavering confidence and faith in what she said. The contrast between the wide-eyed laysister and the hardened spymaster was startling. 

“Are you sure that’s the best course of action?” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. Leliana turned a frigid glare her way, and suddenly Eryn understood. The years had not been kind to either of them, and they had depleted her of all warmth. Too many years of cold calculations, broken empires, masked empresses, secrets taken to the grave, and countless innocent lives lost. There was simply no mercy left in her heart. She wasn’t meant to linger so long in the dark. Eryn couldn’t help but feel responsible for some of it. What had happened at the temple would no doubt have affected her. Surviving such a brutal kind of betrayal twice in one lifetime can’t be easy. Who can stare into the darkness for so long, endure all that she has, and survive with their soul intact?  _ Then it’s also my responsibility to bring some of her warmth back.  _

“Butler betrayed us. He murdered my agent!” Leliana’s voice raised in a way that Eryn recognized. She was trying to push down her emotions. 

“So, death is the only option available?” Eryn kept her voice level, trying not to sound confrontational for fear of exasperating the anger she’d accidentally stirred up.  _ She’ll see reason, just keep pressing and give her time. _

“You find fault with my decision?” Leliana challenged, her arms crossed and her eyes glared. Another woman might’ve had her veins frozen by such an icy glare, but Eryn stared back unphased. 

“The fact that you don’t is worrisome, Leliana. Normally you’re the one talking me out of senseless murder.” 

“And what would you suggest?! Leave him be?!”

“No,” Eryn spoke quickly and firmly, “capture and interrogate him. It’s likely that he didn’t work alone, and if you can find out why he betrayed us we can take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again. It’s also possible that he’s actually innocent in this. Killing him gives us nothing but more blood. And there’s been far too much of it already.” 

The bard shook her head, her voice sounding calmer, “I may not like what I do, but it must be done. I cannot afford the luxury of ideals at a time like this.” 

“You’re better than that.” 

The two stared into each others eyes, Eryn daring her to argue further, Leliana searching for a comeback that she never found. Eryn wasn’t surprised that she’d won the argument, and Leliana had given up on killing the man. What did surprise her was that she left it still in one piece. 

All battlefields were the same to Eryn. They were always smoking wastelands, flat areas of land in which the sun seemed to beat down on a little harder than anywhere else. The charred bones of burned out homes left to smolder and rot until someone could find the time or money to deal with them. The dead and dying scattered across the dirt like they were just more debris. The moaning of the wind whispering the names of those lost in the battle, but whispering it so softly that only the dead could hear it. 

Eryn had only just left the little town where the refugees had set up, and already she was met by the ruins of what had probably been more of the town. Flakes of charred wood had been blown into the air, showering down around them like black snow. The smell of burning wood and burning bodies assaulted her nostrils. Even the bandana covering part of her face didn’t help. As if it wasn’t hot enough already, the added heat from the flames left her sweating even just standing still. A few jet black crows cawed and fluttered up into the sky when Eryn neared. She watched them go, wishing she could join them. What would it be like to fly? To spread your wings and take flight whenever the spirit moved you? To be able to escape and find a better place at a moments notice? If she were born a mage, she’d learn to shapeshift, and that was exactly what she’d do. Turn into a bird and fly away, as far from anyone and anything as possible. She would have no need to learn to fight, or to kill. She would be free. 

It was a shame to see Ferelden still in flames, even a decade after the Blight. The mages and templars were tearing the Hinterlands apart in their war. Eryn had never thought much about either of the two, only ensuring that she stayed as far from both of them as possible; at least until she was forced to go to the Circle for aid during the Blight that is. She had only ever had brief conversations with mages, and even shorter ones with templars. But mages had saved her life in the past, and the only templars she’d met had been pompous bastards. It was impossible to not be bias from such experiences. 

Ahead there was shouting, and all of them tensed at the sound. Eryn knelt hidden in the tall grass with her daggers ready, waiting for the enemy to appear. There were only three of them, two men and a woman. The man and the woman were both mages, and a lone templar trying to kill them both. She could hear Varric loading his crossbow, Cassandra unsheathing her blade, and Solas readying her staff, but Eryn didn’t move yet. There was something about the female mage that troubled her, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. The woman wasn’t fighting the templar, she was inching away from the battle as she watched. As she moved backwards she stumbled, and steadied herself with her staff, holding her stomach as if injured, though Eryn could see no blood. Just then, three more templars arrived, and the others headed straight into battle, yet still Eryn waited. She stared at the mage, willing herself to see what had caught her attention. Then she saw it. She had seen that movement before; the way she held her stomach. But she’d also seen it in the womans eyes; the fear triggered by maternal instinct. Oriana had had that exact same look in her eyes when Eryn had found her dead beside her son the night of Howe’s betrayal. 

The male mage fell, petals of blood shattering over the grass, and Eryn heard the woman cry out, reading her staff as the templar drew closer. The spells she threw were blocked by his shield, and when he got close enough he lashed out, knocking the staff from her hands, and throwing her into the ground. The templars blade shimmered in the sunlight like the water of an ocean wave sparkling for a brief moment before crashing down. Then Eryn’s own blade met his flesh. Her first dagger dig into his side, then the other cut into the side of his neck. She twisted the blade, feeling the artery tear on the metal, then tossed his limp body aside. She hardly paused when another templar swung his sword at her, meaning to cut her in half. She ducked low enough that she could tie his shoes, and used that vantage point to slip his feet out from under him. As soon as he hit the ground, the last thing he felt in his life was the cold farewell of her blade stabbing into his back. Another stood ready, his sword balanced carefully in his hands. Eryn charged towards him, but at the last second, just as he began to swing, she allow her legs to fold under her and she slid under him, right between his legs. He didn’t have time to register the surprise that she was small enough to do that, because she was on her feet faster than he could think, and her dagger sent him swiftly to his death. 

The fight was over and Eryn would’ve sheathed her daggers, but Cassandra still hadn’t sheathed her own weapon, and she suspected why. The female mage was still where she’d fallen, struggling to get up on her own. Cassandra stalked towards her, sword raised. Shehad seen the staff and had already decided she was an enemy. But Eryn raised her own dagger in front of her, blocking the Seeker. Eryn turned her head towards Cassandra, her eyes deadly serious. “Put it away, Cass. She’s no threat to us.” Cassadra didn’t try to attack the mage again, but she still looked doubtful, so Eryn continued, “She’s pregnant.” The words broke through, and the Seeker finally sheathed her weapon, allowing Eryn to relax and sheath her own.

“You are more observant than you appear.” Solas said. She could never tell if he was being sarcastic or genuinely impressed. 

Eryn approached the woman cautiously, and pulled down the bandana from her face. She knelt down and held out at hand, but the woman recoiled from her, as if expecting to be hit. Eryn didn’t move any closer, but kept her hand out in front of her, waiting for the mage to decide. She expected the mage to simply stumble up herself and run away, but she hoped the mage would allow her to help her. She felt the mages fingers brush against her own, and she helped her steadily to her feet. When she’d steadied herself, Eryn picked up the staff and passed it to her. She appeared to have a bad leg, and she could walk easier with the staff. The mage hesitated before taking it.

“You trust me not to attack you?”

“Do you have any need to? And besides, you can fight just as easily without a staff.” Eryn jerked a thumb behind her, “Through that rocky entrance that way, there’s a camp where other refugees from the area are staying. There’s healers, blankets and food. You’ll be safer there.”

“No…” Fear clouded over the mage’s face again. She shook her head frantically as she clutched the bulge in her stomach. “They’ll take him from me.”

“That’s not gonna happen, I promise you. Cassandra,” She looked behind her, “keep going with the others and see if you can find that templar stronghold, I’ll catch up later.” 

The Seeker nodded and did as requested while Eryn lead the mage back the refugee camp. Thankfully Captain Rylen was an easy going guy. She spoke with him at some length, and got his assurance that the mage’s child would stay in it’s mothers hands. Later that day, after they came back, Eryn saw the woman wandering about talking with people. She heard her name mentioned several times. It seemed the mage was looking for her, but Eryn kept her head down and avoided her. She knew the mage probably just wanted to thank her, but she never felt comfortable accepting peoples thanks. She preferred to simply disappear. Maybe it was because she’d seen how quickly people could turn on her. One minute she might be the Hero of Ferelden, the next she’d be a lowly criminal and murderer. People could only see one side of her at a time, and when they saw the side that was less than heroic, she was certain they’d quickly realize she wasn’t worthy of their thanks. It was better for them to forget about her. 

While everyone else was busy resupplying at the camp, Eryn sat on a bench and sharpened her daggers, comforted by the familiar motions. Sparks shot off from the metal, dancing before her eyes for only the briefest of moments before being swept away along the rivers of wind streaming through the lands. 

“So, hero, you got names for the daggers?”

Eryn glanced over at Varric as he sat beside her, his crossbow propped up next to him. She smiled and shook her head, gesturing with one of the daggers as she spoke.

“Nah, I lose these things all the time.”

“Maybe that’s why you lose them. No names, no attachment, no reason to keep them.”

“It’s just sharpened metal, and there’s always more where they came from. Why would I want to be attached to them?”

“Fair point, hero.”

She went back to sharpening her blades, glad for the puddle of water at her feet, otherwise she’d be worried about starting a fire in the refugee camp. 

“So, what happened between you and Leliana?” The question seemed to come out of nowhere, although there also seemed to be an inevitability about it. She and Leliana hadn’t exactly been subtle about their coldness towards each other. 

Eryn stopped and glowered at him irritably. “What are you on about?”

“Well it’s obvious that something happened. I mean, even without the awkward glances and the frigid silence between you two, there are some holes in the Hero of Fereldan’s tale. At least, the one I’ve heard.”

“You ever think that might’ve been done on purpose?”

“Hmm, tell-tale signs of a juicier story that’s been glossed over. Interesting.” 

“And why is that anyone’s business besides ours?... Wait… You’re not seriously thinking of writing a book about it…”

“Why not? Everyone likes a hero with a dark and troubled past.”

She considering giving him a vague or evasive answer, but then had a better idea. “Alright Varric, I’ll tell you… As soon as you tell me about the woman your crossbow is named after.” She couldn’t help a smug grin, already knowing his answer. 

The dwarf pouted and shook his head, “Fine then, evil woman… But if you don’t tell me, I’m just gonna have to make it up…”

“I’m sure any story you can come up with is a thousand times better than the original.”   



	5. Angel of Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to do my own version of the Wicked Grace scene, but a bit earlier in the game to give the characters a chance to get to know one another. This chapter is also the main reason it took me so long to update because dialogue is the bane of my existence and i shot myself in the foot because this chapter cannot exist without a FUCKTON of dialogue. Oh well, I hope it's worth it in the end.   
(oh and in case anyone didn't know, the chapter title is the name of a Wicked Grace card)   
As always please keep on giving me feedback if you can think of any. I'm still open to learning new things and improving my craft whenever possible. Questions or comments in general are also welcome!

In the days spent following the Herald, Cassandra learned more about Ferelden. The country was often referred to as rough and rugged, and this was certainly proved to be true, but there was more to it than that. It had endured wars and a Blight but it still managed to weather the storms that had blown past. It was a kingdom that was made to endure, and it’s people were a hardy, resilient bunch. 

She also learned more about Ferelden’s Hero. Eryn slept badly. They’d only had two tents, so the two women shared one while the dwarf and elf shared the other. Late at night she would start tossing and turning in her sleep, mumbling unintelligibly, before jerking awake gasping for air and clasping the left side of her chest. Cassandra had seen the scar there while they were changing, and knew that it was hurting her. It was an arrow wound, but one in which the arrow had been removed improperly, twisting and tearing into the skin terribly. She wondered who had shot her. 

Because Eryn had been reluctant to join the Inquisition in the first place, Cassandra was surprised by how quickly she had fallen into a leadership role among them. She didn’t ask anyone to follow her, they just did. She always seemed to know where to go, and what to do, and when she didn’t know she never felt threatened when someone stepped in to add their input. When a decision needed to be made, she always seemed to be the first to step in. In truth, Cassandra had no regrets that someone else had stepped in to take the reins. She had done her part in setting the wheels in motion, but the position of power in leadership was not something she was interested in. Although, she could’ve asked for a more righteous leader.

Val Royeaux stretched out before them. A massive clump of elegant buildings as tall as the trees in the Brecilian Forest, and as opulent as the city’s residents. The buildings were so tall, Eryn wondered how the sun could manage to penetrate the city. The sunlight reflecting off the pure white surfaces of the buildings pierced her eyes. Eryn was also struck by how much warmer this place was compared to Ferelden. Gondolas swayed and bobbed in the canal waters beside her, the waters they floated in sparkled and glistened in the hot sun. The waters by their feet was almost absurdly clean, crystal clear and sparkling, so that one might’ve almost mistaken it for ice had its surface not been in constant motion. Eryn glanced down at the water and shook her head to herself. Did the Orlesians even clean their canal water obsessively? 

As they dismounted their horses and walked into the Orlesian capital, Eryn instinctively pulled up her hood, but Cassandra was immediately by her side and yanked it down. Eryn shot her an irritable look and grabbed her hood again, keeping eye contract as she slowly pull it back up. 

“We came all this way so that the chantry mothers could meet with  _ you,  _ and it’s  _ you  _ they’ll be expecting to see.” Cassandra reminded her. “The whole point of coming here was to stop hiding.” 

Eryn nodded, still glaring sourly at her. She didn’t have to speak to her so harshly. It was how she always spoke to her. “You could’ve just  _ told  _ me.” She muttered, barely audibly. 

She glanced around her and remembered the first time she came here.

~ _ Eryn stepped off the plank and solid ground came underfoot. She’d been at sea for nearly a week, and it was dizzying to be standing on land that didn’t sway. Beside her, she heard her older brother, Fergus, striding up beside her. The two of them gazed out at the scene around them. Fergus had been here before, but it was Eryn’s first time, and she was stunned.  _

_ _ _ “I’ve never seen so many people at once… the churning seas of Orlais… It’s just the way father described it…”  _

_ _ _ Her brother looked at her amusedly. “He failed to mention that the hordes of people are filthy rich pricks that kill each other for sport. And they call us the barbaric dog lords.” _

_ _ _ Eryn snorted, “‘Dog lords’... Can’t they think up a more interesting insult to give us?” _

_ _ _ “They wouldn’t be Orlesian otherwise. Creativity is for peasants.” They both chuckled, and Eryn began to trot off, but Fergus caught her arm at the last moment, “Ah ah, where do you think you’re going?” _

_ _ _ “To look around. We’re in the capital of Orlais, I might as well see some of it.” _

_ “Will we be seeing you again before the end of the day?” _

_ “I’ll be back in time for dinner this time, I promise.” _

_ _ _ “That’s what you said last time. If you’re late again mother will skin us both.” _

_ _ _ “I’m serious this time. I’ll watch the time more carefully, Fergus, I swear.” She drew a cross over her heart with her finger.  _

_ _ _ Her brother sighed. “Fine, just try to stay out of trouble. And watch your back out there. This city isn’t like Highever, Eryn.” _

_ _ _ “Of course, I’m the very soul of caution.” _

_ “Right… And hey, keep track of where you are. None of the signs will be in the common tongue, it’s all Orlesian, and don’t expect most people here to speak the common tongue either.” _

_ Eryn rolled her eyes, “I know what country we’re in, you dweeb. And I do know a little Orlesian.” _

_ “Oh do you?” Fergus crossed his arms, “Show me.” _

_ “Uhh… Oui.”  _

_ Fergus smiled sarcastically, “Perfect.”  _

_ “I can figure the rest out! I’ll be fine. I know how to take care of myself.”  _

_ “Alright. But you get mugged in an alley or wake up to find your small clothes pinned to a chantry board don’t come crying to me.” _

_ “Wouldn’t dream of it.”  _

_ At last her brother let her go, and she was out on the streets, taking in all the new sights, sounds and smells she was being bombarded with. She had never been in a city so alive. There seemed to be a new surprise around every corner. Every building in sight seemed to be competing with its neighbor to be more ornate or more prodigious. She could walk the city for days and not know half of its secrets. And she intended to do exactly that.~  _

She was jolted out of her thoughts when a woman bumped into her. The two locked eyes for only a moment, but it was enough. Eryn opened her mouth to apologize, but before a word left her mouth the woman was already behind her, running away in terror. She shook her head and continued down the path, suspecting it was a sign of things to come.

While they were riding along the road back to Haven, Cassandra looked thoughtfully at Eryn, who had taken the lead with her eyes trained on the horizon. 

“Do you believe in the Maker?” She asked.

Eryn opened her mouth briefly as if about to answer, then closed it again. After a pause she finally said, “Would you believe me if I said yes?” 

“Truly? But you’re-”

“Doesn’t mean I believe he’s very pleased with me… Forgiveness can only go so far.” 

“I don’t believe that. The Maker has room at his side for every soul. It is never too late to do better, and become more than what you are.” 

Eryn snorted, “If you knew what I’d done, you’d change your mind right quick.” 

“What could you have possibly done to make you think such a thing? Is it because of all the people you’ve killed?”

“No, it’s not that. I wish it was. Its... I-I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?” 

“Because if I did no one here would ever trust me again.” 

“That’s assuming that most people here actually trust you in the first place!” Varric commented, unhelpfully. “Maker knows our Seeker certainly doesn’t!” 

Eryn sighed and shook her head, “There are some things you just… don’t come back from...”

Eryn’s armor still smelled burnt as she walked into the tavern that night. They’d only just returned from fighting a dragon they’d come across in the Hinterlands. She’d only just missed a blast of fire from the dragon, but the fire has still singed the ends of her hair.  _ Oh well, it was getting too long anyway.  _ One of its dragonlings had torn a big gash in her shoulder and she’d just come back being sewed up by the nurses in the chantry. Eryn was desperate for a drink after that. The warmth and soft music in the tavern seemed to be calling out to her as strongly as the Call of an Archdemon. She could feel the snowflakes still in her hair and reached up to run her finger through it. The remaining flakes danced in front of her eyes as her hand nudged them loose, sparkling in the warm light as they flickered past. The wind of the outside world seemed distant within these walls. The music and the general chatter brought Eryn to another realm, one that drove her pain to the realm she’d left behind. 

“Hey, Hero!” Eryn’s head jerked up at the voice and she could see Varric waving her over. “We’re short a player, come sit down!” She could see several others sitting at the table with him. Among them, Blackwall, Iron Bull, Sera, and Scout Lace Harding. They were all in the middle of a game of Wicked Grace. She could see the cards and the coins scattered around the table.

Eryn grinned as she approached them. “That nickname’s really gonna stick, huh?” 

“What, too glamorous for you? 

“You could just, I don’t know, call me by my name.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” 

Eryn rolled her eyes and sat down. Iron Bull filled a tankard with some strange liquid ans slid it over to her. “To celebrate killing that high dragon today.” He said with the biggest smirk Eryn had seen on him since they’d gotten back. Eryn accepted it gratefully. She’d come to the tavern looking for a drink anyway, and Bull seemed to know his way around all the fermented drinks Thedas had to offer. She looked down at the strangely colored liquid in the mug he’d given her. 

“What are we drinking? Dragon’s blood?”

“Maraas-Lok.” 

“What’s that in the common tongue?”

“It means drink!” Bull didn’t seem to want to elaborate any more than that. 

There was a tiny voice in the back of Eryns mind, that little whisper of concience that her parents had planted within her that constantly warned against the stupid shennanigans she was always getting into. As usual, Eryn didn’t listen.  _ Fuck it!  _ She thought as she threw back the contents of the drink. Then choked, as she felt the power of the drink destroying any feeling in her throat. Whatever it was she’d let Bull convince her to drink, it burned like the fires of a rage demon. Bull laughed, a deep rich sound that warmed the room as well as the fireplace. 

“I know right, put some chest on your chest.” Bull took a gulp of his own, but seemed to be having the same amount of trouble, but he bore the pain almost happily, as if pain was something he’d learned to enjoy. 

“And I thought the stuff they drank in Orzammar was rough.” Varric mused, “What’s the matter, Buttercup?”

Sera glowered angrily at her own tankard. “I’m not touching that stuff.” 

Eryn raised an eyebrow.  _ Buttercup? Guess I’m not the only one he gives nicknames to. _

“So when are you gonna give me a nickname?” Blackwall asked.

Varric sighed, “Well, I was gonna go with ‘hero’ but obviously that one’s already taken.”

“He can have ‘hero’.” Eryn spoke up, “You can give me another one, or just not give me one at all.”

Varric thought for a moment then shook his head, “Nah, it suits you.” 

As the dealer shuffled the cards, Blackwall nodded at Eryn, “I must say, it was an honor to finally meet you, Warden Commander. And even more an honor to make your acquaintance.” 

Eryn smiled and shook her head. “I left that title behind when I left Amaranthine, Blackwall. Just call me by my name.” 

“As you say, but still, I’m glad for the privilege to meet the warden who ended the blight.”

“I appreciate the kind words. Most of the older wardens I meet resent me.” 

“Oh? Why is that?” 

She shrugged, “Every other warden that killed an Archdemon died. I clearly didn’t. Part of our motto is ‘in death, sacrifice’ and yet here I am, a new recruit, making a mockery of it by cheating death.”

Blackwall shook his head, “Pride is an easy trap to fall into, especially in a position as honorable as this. 

“Sadly true. I guess to those who don’t know me it looks as if I’ve gained everything and sacrificed nothing.” 

“Have you?”

“No. I lost everything long before the Archdemon fell.” 

“You mean your family? I heard about the tragedy at Highever.”

“That’s… part of it, yes.” She murmured as she lifted up her cards, careful obscure them from anyone else’s view. 

Somehow the conversation turned to the state of the Inquisition and Eryn lost interest. Instead she focused on the game, trying to get the feel of everyone’s tells. One sentence brought her out of her focused trance. 

“Besides, the problem with the Inquisition right now isn’t on the front lines, it’s at the top.”

Eryn raised an eyebrow and looked up at Iron Bull, “What are you on about? There’s no ‘top’ to be speaking of.”

“Exactly. You’ve got no Inquisitor, no leader.”

Eryn shrugged. “We have people to manage different parts of the Inquisition, and we’ve been doing fine so far.”

“That’s because all you’ve needed is damage control, reaction. A group can handle that. But once you seal the breach, it’s gonna time to make decisions.” He directed a hard gaze Eryn’s way. “Someone’s gonna have to step up.”

Eryn squirmed in her seat uncomfortably. 

“Maybe our Hero should be our Inquisitor.” Varric suggested, adding to Eryns growing discomfort. “You’re always quick to get things done, and without that thing on your hand we’d all still be ass deep in demons.” 

Eryn bit her lip nervously, “I don’t know. Cassandra did start this whole thing and she is technically Nevarran royalty. I think she’s earned the position. Besides, she’d make a far more righteous leader in this holy war of theirs.” She shrugged, “I’ll just let the power-hungry nobles duke it out over the fancy chair when the time comes.” 

“You say that like it’s got nothing to do with you. You’re apart of this now too, Hero.”

“Sort of. I just do errands here and there.”

Bull laughed, “You count closing rifts, killing demons, and gathering agents for the Inquisition as errands?”

“And I can leave anytime I want. I’m not invested in any of this.”

“Then why haven’t you left already?” Varric asked as if the question had only just come to mind. 

“Well…” Eryn figgitted in her seat. She knew the real reason, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to share it with these people. She didn’t want anyone to know what a hopeless fool she was. “Mostly the free food.” She smiled to herself, “And the pretty girls running the infirmary.” 

“I know right?” Sera giggled like a maniac, “

Iron Bull grunted, “And the redheads.” 

“Mmm.” Eryn grumbled, burying her face in her mug. “You have a thing for redheads, eh?” 

“Do you not?” 

“I didn’t say that.” Eryn flashed him a quick smirk before she raised the mug again, obscuring her features. 

As the night went on players began to drop out. Scout Lace Harding was the first to go. There were reports that still needed to be filled, and she need to be sharp for her work tomorrow. Sera eventually got too bored and wasted and ran off yelling something about cheese. It was just Eryn, Varic, Blackwall, and Iron Bull left at the table. 

“To killing a high dragon like warriors of legend!” 

“... So this is how you celebrate killing a dragon? Drinking stuff that tastes like the fire it spits?... Seems fitting.” Eryn croaked, sounding like she almost lost her voice. Despite the pain, she felt strangely light. Whatever was in that mug, it was numbing her mind as well as the nervous in her throat. 

“Ah, these are the types of fights I love. Really makes me glad I joined up.” 

Eryn nodded, her mind still in a haze. For some reason she couldn’t think up a clever response. 

Blackwall managed, “I’m glad too. It feels good to be part of something bigger than myself again.” 

Varric somehow remained composed, “You might wanna consider leaving at the first sign of trouble. I’ve written enough tragedies to know where this is going.” His head turned, “How about you, Eryn? How’d you end up here?”

“Well, they didn’t exactly give me much choice in the matter.” Eryn stumbled through the words as she lifted the mug again, not even bothered by the burning anymore. The change in conversation was bringing back memories she was hoping the drink would burn away. “I’m sure you’ve heard the story. The conclave blew up. I was the only suspect. Then I closed it and everyone changed their minds.” She shrugged, hoping to move onto something else. But just as she opened her mouth to do just that, Bull said, 

“Yeah, that’s how it started. You also mentioned the stuff you stayed for, but is there anything else on that list that comes to mind?” 

Eryn took another sip, stupidly thinking it would somehow clear her head. “... Leliana… I’m still here for her.” The words seemed to slip past her lips on their own volition, and in horror Eryn found herself speaking them before she knew what she was doing. The shock of what she’d just said seemed to snap her out of her drunken daze. 

The others were simply watching her with polite interest. They’d said nothing, but she’d already dug herself into this hole, so she figured she may as well get it all out now.

“I know we’re not getting back to gether, ever. That’s pretty self-evident. 

“You were together?” This time Varric popped the question. Somewhere in the back of her head she registered that he’d asked her this once before. 

“Once. During the blight. It didn’t end well and it’s entirely my fault. But I still care about her and I want to make sure she’s ok and that she doesn’t lose herself in all this.”

“You still feel that way, even after it didn’t work out?” Bull asked, “Seems like you two didn’t exactly part on good terms.”

“We didn’t, but I still love her, and I want her to be happy… even if it’s not with me.” 

She went quite. She’d said all she was willing to say. Bull was gazing at her with a neutral look. A lifetime as a spay had made him adept at hiding his true thoughts, but Eryn had hung around his kind enough to know there was some intense calculations going on in that horned head of his. 

“You know something, Eryn,” Varric said, “You’re not a bad woman. 

Bull nodded in agreement, “Yeah, good on you.” 

Eryn snorted, “Thanks man. Means a lot coming from you.” 

“You don’t have to be the best person to have honor.” Blackwall said. 

Bull crowed, “And you don’t have to be the best fighter to kill dragons. And I’ll drink to that.” He raised his mug, “To dragons!”

“To whatever this is and the hangover it’s gonna give me tomorrow!” Eryn cheered, raising the half empty mug as she spoke. She didn't even care how much the future Eryn was going to hate her when the morning finally came.   



	6. The Secrets of Darkest Magic

Orange flames danced and bowed on their torches as Haven’s chantry door opened, letting in the freezing air. Cassandra made her way through the chantry, her boots echoing on the stone in the silent room. Ahead of her, she could see someone standing before a statue. As she neared, she recognized Eryn’s narrow figure, and came to her side. Sometimes, Cassandra wondered if Eryn was eating enough. Physically, she was slim, bordering on scrawny. When they were undressing, Cassandra often half expected to be able to see her ribs, or her spine sticking out. Neither had ever been seen, but her scrawniness lent itself well to her speed. Not having much body mass or muscle to slow her down made fast get aways much easier. Varric had once joked that if she was ever imprisoned, she could simply slip through the bars. 

“But she’d still need to get her head through.” Cassandra had pointed out. 

Eryn had simply shrugged with a smirk, “It’s not like I ever use it anyway.” 

Cassandra shook her head at the memory and half smiled to herself. Her footfall was so heavy, Eryn had likely heard her coming the moment she stepped into the room, so there was no need to announce herself. Cassandra looked again at the statue they were gazing it. It was Maferath, shoulders slumped and face hidden by his hands, a pose of regret and shame, as was fitting to his story. 

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Eryn said suddenly, “Was Maferath really such a terrible guy?”

Cassandra gave her a disgusted look and almost replied with an equally disgusted sound.

“I’m being completely serious. Think about it. I mean if you’ve been married to this girl for Maker-knows how long, but I assume it was for a while.

“It was quite a while.”

“I wasn’t really paying attention to the storytellers.” She admitted shamelessly, “Anyway, so you’ve been with this girl for a while, and suddenly a literal god comes around . So now your kind of kicked to the curve anyway. I mean, what would be the point in staying with her if you know you’ll just be unhappy, right?” 

Cassandra was growing increasingly uncomfortable, “Well… He should’ve been honored to share his wife with the Maker.” 

“Polyamory only works if everyone’s ok with the arrangement and everyone consents. In this case, he did not consent.” 

“That may be true, but he was still wrong.” 

Eryn shrugged, “Never said he wasn’t. But no one can say he had no cause. I’m not saying he was in the right, but I also don’t think he was completely in the wrong. Honestly seems like he just got screwed over from start to finish. Hard to picture a happy ending under the circumstances.” She sighed sympathetically, “And anyway, all things considered, I’m sure he regretted it even before Andraste died. I mean, he did love her once, and even if he was a jealous dumbass, love doesn’t just… stop.” She shook her head, “It’s funny. The older I get, the more I understand him…” 

Cassnadra glanced back at the statue, then blinked heavily before turning back to Eryn. “Come on, let’s not keep them waiting.” She said, gesturing as she spoke. 

“The magister asked for you by name. It’s an obvious trap!”

As usual, Eryn didn’t pay any mind to the ambassadors warnings, “Well, that’s flattering. What else did he say about me?” 

It was Leliana who answered, “He’s so complimentary, that we are certain he want to kill you.”

Eryn shrugged, “He’ll have to get in line. Half of Thedas could say the same.” 

“Not this again…” Josephine muttered.

“Redcliffe is one of the most defendable fortresses in Fereldan. It’s repelled thousands of assaults.” Eryn listened to Cullen’s assessment with surprise. For a former templar he was remarkably well versed in things he had little to no experience with. The man had been a mage jailor, not a solider. And the assessment almost made her want to laugh. 

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Commander. They didn’t keep me out.” She said. Cullen was giving her a puzzled look, so she continued with a shrug, “I’ve been there before. During the Blight. We had to get in to stop the undead coming from the castle.” Her eyes sparked as the memory brought an idea to mind. She looked at Leliana, “That secret passage we used last time, is it still there? The one inside the windmill?”

The spymaster nodded, “Almost certainly.”

“You mean you didn’t storm in through the front gate, slaughtering the undead hordes single-handedly?” Cassandra feigned surprise. “Shocking how inaccurate Varric’s stories are.” 

Eryn made a mental note to give the dwarf a good bruising when this was done, then moved on, “Can we even open it, though? Last time we used Arl Teagan’s signet ring to open the passage, but that ring’s long gone by now.”

“That won’t be a problem. My agents have gotten through much more difficult locks.” 

She nodded, “Let’s do that then.”

Cullen wasn’t convinced, “Too risky. Those agents will be discovered long before they reach the magister.”

“Unless they were distracted by something else going on in the castle…” Eryn paused before continuing, “Like the arrival of the famed _ Herald of Andraste _ they’re so eager to meet with.” She held up her hands in an exaggerated jazz hands pose. She did her best to sound as grandiose as possible, her eyes alight with mirth. Cassandra rolled her eyes, and Josephine stifled a giggle. 

“And you’re ok with that? Playing the bait?” Leliana asked.

“If you’ve got a better idea, I’m all ears.” Eryn said. After a moment, Cullen opened his mouth to speak, but she shot a look at him and said sharply, “Other than getting the Templars.” The former Templar closed his mouth again. “There’s risk regardless.” She continued. _ And I won’t leave the mages who escaped the Circle only to be enslaved again. _

“And if you’re killed?” Leliana challenged. 

“... Have someone cut off the mark before they dump my body.” She said dryly.

When Eryn woke up that morning and left for Redcliffe, she thought she knew what to expect. She didn’t think the magister would give up without a fight, and figured she would be in for a brutal battle. They say animals are their most dangerous when you corner them, and this almost always true for people as well. She had expected the magister’s resistance, and the attempt on her life. She didn’t expect to be pulled through a portal of some kind and dumped into a waterlogged prison cell in the lower parts of the castle. Time travel. Now that was definitely something she hadn’t counted on seeing. It was also something she hoped she’d never see again. 

The trip had brought her into a waking nightmare. Redcliffe was a wreck. The halls of the dark castle were lined with fissures of red lyrium. The stuff seemed to be growing from everywhere, like the stonework itself had been infected with some bizarre disease. The incessant noise of the red lyrium put Eryn even more on edge. It was a constant throbbing that was beginning to sound like voices, giving her the unnerving impression that her Calling was near. She was reminded of her time spent in the deep roads, but somehow this was worse. The noise was relentless, almost deafening. It was enough to drive her mad. If Dorian hadn’t been there to provide some break in the noise with his thoughtful insights on the situation, she might’ve snapped. She was grateful to have his company, even if she was barely able to follow half of what he was saying. 

As they made their way through the castle, she was moody and unpredictable. Irritable and harsh one minute, silent and withdrawn the next. It felt like she was battling with two different sides of herself, but neither one was quite her. Eryn pulled her scarf up over her face when they encountered a few guards roaming, and left it up as they continued on. 

“Why do you cover your face like that?” Dorian asked. “I don’t think you’re in any danger of catching any diseases this red lyrium might emit.” 

Eryn shook her head, “Force of habit. It was always to keep myself anonymous when I went to kill someone, or do any kind of work that was on the less than legal side.” A half truth. The real reason was that doing so made it easier to hide her emotions, which were growing more and more difficult to ignore the more time they spent in this future realm. This way, nobody could see her teeth flashing as she clenched them tight together. The chapped blood dripping off her lip as she bit it too hard. The way her bottom lip trembled as she fought with everything she had to keep it together. 

There was a series of cells below the castle, and Eryn decided to check them to see if there was anyone around who needed help. The whole area was completely waterlogged. The castle seemed to be sinking. Water seemed to be leaking in from every crack in the wall, sloshing with every step. The black liquid pooling at their feet had a deathly scent. It was ice cold and murky. It was only now that she noticed strange dark particles dance around her. They danced up through the air before her eyes, floating like charred flakes of paper floating up from a fire. At first she thought there was something in her eye, but after clearing her vision several times she realized they were really there. She reached out and tried to grab once, but it swam around her hand, avoiding every hand that lunged for it. 

“What _ is _this stuff?” She said aloud.

“The charred remains of the fabric of the world… ripped to pieces and returning to oblivion…” 

She rolled her eyes at the mans cryptic answer. Why couldn’t he talk sense for once? He may as well have been speaking a different language and the incessant ringing in her head was doing nothing to help her comprehend. 

They came to one of the cells in the deeper part of the castle. She glanced around for a moment to see if anyone was in there. There was no one, just a big hunk of that noisy lyrium. Eager to get away from the irritating stuff, she turned to leave, and a hand appeared out of nowhere, and grabbed her arm through the bars of the cell. Nearly wetting herself, Eryn grabbed her dagger instinctively, but then realized that the cell wasn’t empty. 

“Fiona?... Is that you?...” 

Eryn vaguely recognized the body that had been seemingly fused into the giant lump of red lyrium. Although now she wished she hadn’t. This couldn’t be happening, Eryn told herself, this had to be some insane nightmare that her screwed up brain had come up with somehow. Try as she might, she couldn’t wake up. 

“Your spymaster…”

Eryn’s head jerked up at the mention of Leliana. “Where is she?” Fiona strained for a moment, and Eryn, her mind on the verge of hysterics, impatiently reached through the bars and grabbed Fiona. “Where, Fiona?!” She demanded, her voice thundering with violence. 

“Take it easy, woman.” Dorian urged, trying to cool her down. Eryn pushed him away and ignored him. 

“She’s here… Somewhere in the torture chambers…” Eryn could feel rage flaring within her, a struck match. “Find her… Stop this from happening…” 

Eryn nodded, then let go and moved away. She didn’t wait for Dorian, pulling up her hood and the scarf over her face, fixing her eyes ahead of her. She was doing everything she could to push down that little flame burning within her. Her fingers twitched and she ached for a guard or vanatori to come around so she could kill them. 

When at last she reached the torture chambers, she’d burned off alot of energy from killing the venatori they come across along the way. Her cool was returning slightly, but hearing the voices coming from behind the door, she felt it flaring up again and gritted her teeth as she worked through the agonizing task of picking the lock. She bit her lip and focused all her attention on the lock, driving the voices and the beating sounds to a distance place until they seemed miles away. Even so, she could resist a flinch each time Leliana was struck. She was nearly chewing her lip bloody, and starting to feel enamel break down on her teeth. 

By the time she got the door open, she was gripping the lockpicks so tightly she could’ve snapped them in half with one twitch. She opened the door as quietly as she could and slipped inside without saying a word, careful not to give away her presence. The interrogator hadn’t turned around yet and hadn’t heard her come in. He was still busy with his current task. Eryn fixed her steel grey eyes on him, and slowly approached him, unsheathed her daggers. She curved her fingers around them, feeling herself winding up for the shot. Her whole body was tense, coiled up like a wolf ready to leap forward and devour its prey. She was imagining all the different ways she could kill him, still uncertain which to go for; she knew so many. Soon she was almost right behind him. She allowed a single sound to escape her lips, a little whistle. In so dark a place, such a cheerful sound was bizarre. He turned around, but before he could open his mouth, Eryn slashed his neck with both blades. There was a gurgling sound as she heard the blood oozing down his throat and into his lungs. He gripped his gushing wound, wavering on his weak, stumbling legs. Eryn took the keys from his belt and angrily shoved him to the ground. He flopped around helplessly for a few seconds, then he lay still, his own blood mixing with the blood of others on his hands. 

Eryn pulled down her scarf so Leliana could see who she was, then set about getting her out of those restraints. “Sorry it took me so long…” She muttered as she worked, her voice soft from remorse, with a hint of a steel mask at the edges. Though neither Leliana nor Eryn said anything more, they said more with their eyes than words could ever convey. 

Not long after, Dorian came in spewing his unintelligible jumble of magic techno-babble. All the while, Eryn stared at the floor, trying not to think about how mangled and ashen Leliana’s face looked. She didn’t ask. She didn’t want to know. Eventually, Dorian finished and she looked up, “Alexius. Is he still around? I need to find him.”

“We need to amulet he carries.” Dorian nodded. “It may well be in his chambers and we can avoid-”

Eryn glared at him, “He’s responsible for this mess, Dorian. I’m not about to let him off the hook that easily.” She pulled the scarf back up over her face and went on ahead, her eyes murderously dark as she went. Dorian looked after her and sighed.

Alexius was right where he was when this nightmare began, the same throne room, in the same castle. Up in the rafters of the throne room, Eryn moved carefully, each step taken with purpose, trying not to give her position away too soon. But Alexius was completely oblivious. Either he wasn’t expecting trouble even after so many venatori and guards had been slaughtered along the way here, or he simply didn’t care anymore. Judging on how different he looked compared to last time she saw him, the latter was far more likely. His posture had changed dramatically. He was no longer the confident magister hell-bent on killing her. Any hope or charisma he’d once had had been obliterated in the hellish year Eryn had missed. Killing him would be like putting down a wounded dog; a rabid one, at that. She stopped and looked down at the man, considering her options for a moment. She hadn’t seen any venatori in the room, and looking around for the hundredth time confirmed that. It was just him and his son, standing before his great fireplace staring blankly at the flames. 

Just as she was about to jumped down and end this, the door banged open and Dorian and the others walked in. She’d just barely caught herself in time and flailed madly to keep herself from falling down. At last she regained her balance, and listened with growing disinterest as Dorian tried to talk sense into his former mentor. Glancing around out of boredom, she noticed that Leliana had broken away from the group and was creeping around in the shadows, though she couldn’t yet tell who she was stalking back there. In a moment, she found out. Leliana's blade was soon against Fleix’s throat. Eryn considered trying to stop her, but in her heart Eryn knew that such a quick death would be a mercy. She’d already sensed what his affliction was the moment they’d met. She already knew that the death that awaited him with the Blight was far more agonizing. So she stayed quiet as Leliana drew her knife over the boys neck, his father staring in horror. Eryn could see the anger building within Alexius, and could see him winding up for a blow. She sensed it coming like an animal sensing a predator ready to strike and reacted quickly. She’d already been waiting on the balls of her feet. One moment, she was there crouching on a narrow beam above it all, the next she was flying through the air, the wind fluttering her coat as she fell. A flash of steel, and a sudden cry of pain as her blade scythed down into Alexius. The mad man never got the chance to lash out. He was dead before he could look up and see the pair of metallic grey eyes looking down on him with enough fiery hatred to warp steel. 

“How long were you waiting up there for?”

Eryn didn’t answer and tossed the amulet to him. “Just get us out of here.”

“I’ll need an hour to work out the spell he used and we can-”

There was a rumble and the bricks rattled as the building shook. Debris crumbled all around them and a dragon screeched in the distance. 

“The Elder One.” 

“There’s a reason they won…” 

A murderous glare flashed across Eryn’s face, darkness shadowing her eyes. She moved towards the door, unsheathing her blades. “Keep working on getting the spell working, Dorian. I’ll be back…” 

“Eryn, no!” Leliana’s voice was impassive, but there was still a tiny piece of her humanity trying to break through, the smallest hint of worry, “You can’t kill him.”

“Maybe not, but there’s only one way to find out.”

“You think I haven’t already tried that a thousand times?” Leliana caught hold of her with her gaze, her eyes “I will not lose anyone else to him.”

Eryn glanced down at the mark on her hand, and murmured, “... I can fight one handed…” She glanced up and look towards Cassandra, her hand still hovering in the air, “Cassandra, can you help me with-”

Leliana’s hand grasped Eryn’s forearm. Eryn looked back at her, her eyes widening in shock. The look that Leliana had on her face was something she’d only ever seen on her once before. She looked at Eryn with the desperation of a dying woman, her eyes pleading with more emotion than Eryn had seen in them in this bleak future. 

“Eryn… I wasn’t. Talking. About. The mark.” She said slowly, emphasizing every word. 

Eryn felt fear closing as she began to understand what she meant. She pulled her hand away and shook her head slowly, not wanting to believe it. “Don’t…” Her voice was soft as a feathers touch, but heavy with despair, “Don’t say that like you…” She trailed off, and Leliana held her gaze, unwavering._ No..._ “Leliana, you can’t seriously-”

There was a thump at the door and they both looked up. Demons roared outside, and the thumping against the door became more insistent. Eryn reached for her daggers, but Leliana stopped her. Dorian called out and told her to come here. He’d figured out the spell. The portal back to their current time was opening. Eryn hurried back, hearing Leliana reciting chantry prayers behind her. Eryn stood and waited for the portal to open, wondering what was taking Dorian so long. Behind her she could her fighting going on. She turned around was saw that the demons has broken through. Cassandra was lying lifeless on the ground at the entrance, and Leliana stood alone holding them back. An enemy arrow pierced the bards chest and she cried out. Eryn cringed visibly at the sound and took a step forward, instinctively reaching for her daggers. Dorians hand grabbed hers and held her back. She turned an exasperated glare at him and tried to jerk her hand free.

“You move and we all die!”

Eryn gritted her teeth and looked back as Leliana continued to push them back. She tried to wrench herself free but his grasp was unrelenting. Her mind was screaming at her, and she could feel the panic boiling over within her. She had to help her! Briefly, she considered attacking Dorian to free herself. Her hand still hovered near her dagger, and her fingers twitched for a moment as she considered grabbing it. _ To the Void with it all! Corypheus can have the world if he wants, but he can’t have her. _Then something stopped her. She saw Leliana overpowered, and looking back at her seconds from being killed. But there was something about the look in Leliana’s eyes. The conviction and hope the her sacrifice wouldn’t be in vain. There was a voice, a mere whisper of someone screaming out to her, a still small voice of calm reason in the face of reckless hatred. Indecision raged in Eryn’s mind as she glanced between Leliana and Dorian. But at last, Eryn let her hand drop from her dagger. Even if she charged them now, she couldn’t stop them from killing her. And even if she did, there would be no point. The Leliana she had fallen in love with all those years ago was gone in this world. There was no more Leliana to be saved. With her eyes tight shut, she turned away and lowered her head as she waited for the portal to open. Behind her she could hear the terrible cries of the demons, and Leliana’s voice screaming out in agony. Eryn clenched her fists and bared her teeth as she fought the aching urge to turn around and tear the demons apart. She could feel her throat closing, and something burning under her eyes. Then there was a shutter, and an unfamiliar sound. 

When Eryn opened her eyes again, Alexius stood before her with unbelieving eyes, the amulet dropping from his hands.

“You’ll have to do better than that.” Dorian’s voice brought her mind out of the terrible events that had just taken place for a moment. 

Eryn looked down at the man who had fallen to his knees. She looked at the man who had stood by as world was torn apart, empowered a madman, and had ordered the woman she loved to be tortured. She looked down at him with all the hatred in the world. For a moment, she was briefly tempted to take one of her daggers and slash him to pieces. Then she glanced behind her at the companions still standing there. Cassandra was looking stunned but impressed. Blackwall didn’t even try to hide his incredulousness. They were both still here, both still alive. The realization calmed her for a brief moment, and when she turned back to Alexius, she came to a more reasonable conclusion. 

“Last chance, Alexius. Give up all claims to Redcliffe, or lose your head.” 

The magisters shoulders slumped, defeated. The inquisition soldiers lead him away, and Eryn thought that was the last of things. 

“Well, glad that’s over with.” Dorian remarked. 

“You and me both…” Eryn muttered trying to hide the quiver in her voice. She was still in shock. She would remain that way for the rest of the journey back to Haven with the Inquisitions new allies not far behind them. Her eyes stared ahead, unfocused and glassy. Twice Blackwall had turned and asked if she was alright, and twice she’d lied and answered ‘yes’. As she silently processed past events during the journey, a single certainty had asserted itself in her mind. Leaving was no longer an option. 


	7. An Unquenchable Flame

“Have you gotten in touch with your contacts?” 

“Yeah, I just got a letter back. They should have the ‘shipments’ here in days. The mages will have their lyrium before the end of the week.” Eryn stood to leave Josephine's office. “If there’s nothing else, ambassador, I’ll take my leave.” She made for the door but just as she reached it, the door opened and she almost crashed into someone. Leliana stood in the doorway, equally as surprised as Eryn but much quicker to recover. Eryn was still getting used to the present time she was in, and had to constantly remind herself that this was reality. It was hard to remember that all the things in the hellish future at Redcliffe hadn’t happened. Yet. That was what terrified her most. It could still happen. It _ would _happen, if she didn’t stop it. 

Eryn and Leliana’s eyes met, “Spymaster…” She nodded, and moved to let her pass. 

“Herald.” Leliana brushed past her, not reacting to Eryn’s emotional agitation. As she moved past, Eryn caught a whiff of her scent. White flowers and lavender brushed across her face.

“Stick to ‘Eryn’, please Leliana?” Eryn asked, trying to be polite despite her discomfort. 

“Of course... Herald.”

Eryn sighed and went on her way. When she was gone, Leliana began to speak, but Josephine held up a hand and glanced over at the researcher in the corner, “Minaeve, could you gives us a minute?”

“Of course.” 

As soon as the researcher was gone, Josepine leaned forward and gave Leliana a look that demanded to be taken seriously. For a few moments, she was silent, then, “Nothing bad is going to happen if you’re kind to her for just a few seconds. We’ve all read the report. We know what she’s been through.”

“Yes, she’s quite shaken up by it. Red lyrium infecting people and growing out of them… that’d be unsettling for anyone.”

“And we both know it’s not the red lyrium that’s gotten her so shaken up.” 

The crisp air of the Frostbacks brushed through the tree branches, sending flakes of snow wafting down to the ground below. There was a soft creak as the branches moved, their limbs bending ever so slightly. The sun had only just risen over the surrounding mountains, casting a heavenly golden light upon the land. The blanket of fresh snow glowed blindingly bright in the morning sunlight and shadows stripped the snow in a darker blue. A twirl of feathers fluttered in the trees above, yet none of the birds made a sound. In the stillness of the forest, nothing could be heard but the mountain breeze. The silence was broken softly as a ram slowly made its way through the snow, searching along the ground for vegetation. The ram found a little sprig of Elfroot and began gnawing away at the little plant. Overhead, the tree branches creaked in the wind again. There was a flash of steel, a moment of blinding pain, then, nothing. The ram was dead before it even knew what had happened.

Eryn removed her dagger from the ram, satisfied with her work. She had returned to Haven from Redcliffe only a few days before, and she’d barely slept since then. She was exhausted and needed the sleep, but the nightmares that followed her were hellish, and almost unbearable. The memories of the terrible future she’d seen wouldn’t leave her alone. She couldn’t erase the terrible images from her mind. The world torn apart by the breach. The castle filled with demons and deafening red lyrium. Leliana being tortured and being powerless to stop it. The hopelessness and agony in the faces of her companions. The red lyrium gurgling in their throats. The way Leliana had looked at her before she died. 

She was exhausted and needed to catch up on her sleep, but instead she’d gone into the forest just outside of Haven, seeking some sort of comfort in the peaceful surroundings. As the silence of the winter wonderland that surrounded her, the pain of the past events faded, but instead of feeling better, she just felt numb; empty. Suddenly, she wanted to feel like she could do something useful; anything. So she’d tracked down the rams scampering about, set up in one of the trees, and killed one. 

There was a rustle and a ram in the distance had heard the commotion and was looking right at her. Slowly, she reached behind her and took the bow she’d snatched on her way out of Haven. She knelt down, easing her knees against the snow, the bow string creaking softly as she noticed and arrow and took aim. The rams tail swished briefly, and Eryn breathed in. Sensing the danger, the ram shot away, bounding over the snow in distress. With both eyes wide in concentration, Eryn let out the breath and let the arrow go with it. It found its target and the ram fell into the snow dead. 

She lowered the bow and tensed, reaching for her dagger. Someone was nearby. 

“I didn’t know you knew how to use one of those.” Leliana said as she revealed herself. 

Eryn relaxed, and let a smile flicker over her features as she gestured to the bow in her hands. “I had to learn in my travels. At the time it was… necessary.” She was reminded of whom she’d learned from as she spoke. Black hair, white fangs that hid a sarcastic tongue, pale skin soft as snow, gleaming orange eyes watching from the darkness. 

Leliana had noticed the dreamy look in her eye. “This person you learned from… Who were they?"

"Oh, just someone whose long gone by now." Eryn shook her head and smiled sadly.

"You were close?” 

Eryn understood the true meaning behind the question. “Yeah we… We were 'close'…” She frowned, feeling a wave of guilt, “Sorry…”

“Why are you sorry?” Leliana said genuinely, “You moved on, and fell in love again. That’s a good thing, and nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't know I lived.” 

“Yeah, well…” Eryn rubbed the back of her neck and glanced down, "We didn't exactly part on good terms. Seems like it'd be unfair for me to..." She trailed off and interrupted herself. “And anyway, it didn’t exactly… work out.”

“Why not?”

Eryn sighed, “It’s complicated. I let it go too far, and I had to break it off. I just had to.”

Leliana nodded, “Not the right one for you?”

“No. Actually I had to for the opposite reason.” Eryn still didn’t look her in the eye, as if it was still too painful to do so. “I cared about her too much to let her get involved with me. I had to protect her.”

“From what?”

“Myself. What else?” Eryn said bluntly. 

“What do you mean by-”

“Why did you follow me?” Eryn asked suddenly. “Why are you here, Leliana?” 

Leliana’s eyes softened in a sympathetic way that made Eryn uncomfortable,“I read the report on Redcliffe.”

Eryn nodded indifferently, trying to make light of it. “Yeah. So did Josie and Cullen. It’s kind of your job, isn’t it?” 

“I thought maybe you’d want to talk about it.”

Eryn glanced away, “There’s nothing to talk about. It’s done now. And now I have to keep it from happening.”

“It’s not going to happen, Eryn.”

“It happened.” All the neutrality had gone in that moment. There was a slight edge of violence slipping into Eryn’s voice as she spoke. “It happened… And I didn’t stop it…” Her eyes darkened and she began to speak as if a conduit of someone else's words, “… The whole world suffered… You suffered… It was real…” Her voice faltered and she swallowed hard before continuing. “So I have to make it unreal.” She spoke the words slowly, cutting the words into each syllable before sounding them out in a hoarse voice that was all too familiar with the taste of defeat. “Which would be a hell of a lot easier if I actually knew _ how _ to stop it. Or _ who _actually caused it. Who this Elder One is. What was it exactly that made it all possible. Or where to even begin. Especially since I couldn’t do jack or shit even when I knew what to do and who to kill!” The words were tumbling out of her mouth, seemingly without her control. All the emotion she’d been bottling up was suddenly pouring out without her consent.

“It isn’t up to you to save everyone, Eryn.” Leliana tried to sound reassuring.

“If I don’t do it, who else is gonna!?” Suddenly she was shouting. Internally she was horrified, she’d never spoken to Leliana this way. “I saw what happened to the world. How many rifts tore the place apart. Even without the red lyrium, it was hell! I was the only thing removed from the equation. If someone else could’ve stopped it, they would’ve done it long before then, dammit!” She angrily kicked a piece of snow, her next words spoken through gritted teeth. “It’s always on me to save the world, because if I didn’t the world wouldn’t know how to take care of itself, and just fall to pieces!” She let out a shaky breath, “There. Talked. You gonna leave me alone now?!” Eryn was breathing heavily. Her eyes showed a mask of stress and anger waring against each other, but underneath Leliana could see the terror rattling around behind the steel.

“What’s wrong?” Leliana’s voice was barely a whisper. To Eryn it felt like tender fingertips brushing against the bruised parts of her that were constantly screaming. She hadn’t heard her voice get that soft since...

Eryn heaved a defeated sigh, “I’m just… I’m tired of watching you die… And I wonder how many more times I’ll have to endure it…” Eryn was a bit taller than Leliana, but in that moment she’d never looked smaller. She stood there cold and empty. Her eyes had lost their steel, and all that was left were dull rainclouds that were ready to spill. 

“Herald!” A voice called out and they turned to see a runner approaching.

“Yes?” Eryn answered after she swallowed her tears. 

“Commander Cullen sent word, my lady. The mages are prepared for the assault on the breach. They’re awaiting word from you.”

“Tell them I’ll be there soon.” The runner nodded and hurried back towards Haven. Eryn glanced back at Leliana and shook her head before trudging off. “...Eryn Cousland to the rescue again…” 

The breach was sealed. All that remained was a swirling mass of clouds shimmering faintly with the emerald light that once engulfed them. The sun had set an hour ago, and darkness had closed in but there was still a faint red-orange glow on the very edge of the horizon. Night had fallen and it would’ve been a quiet one, if not for the revelers determined to party like the dawn would never come. As Eryn sat on the cliff overlooking Haven she glanced over towards the golden twinkling lights scattered around the town. Little pockets of light stubbornly pushing back against the oppressive darkness. She could see dark shadows dancing around the bonfires. In the distance she could hear upbeat music, people laughing and cheering. It was a joyous sound, which lifted the spirit right up to the scarred heavens. In another time, Eryn might’ve joined them. When she was younger, she’d be all too eager to take any chance to let go of all the cares, twirl in time with the music, and drink herself silly. Now she couldn’t bring herself to even show her face. Maybe it was because she felt she hadn’t earned the celebration. Or maybe it was because it was now impossible not to look towards the future on the horizon. It’s hard to celebrate the present when you’re mind is still trapped in the future; and the past. 

“Surprised you haven’t taken off already.”

Eryn turned her head and saw Cassandra walking up behind her, before sitting down next to her. Eryn looked back out over the town.

“Still a lot of work to be done, Cass.”

“Not for you. The breach is sealed.”

“The breach was only a piece of the puzzle, and it might still be ripped open again.” Eryns eyes narrowed, “There’s still this Elder One. The one who sent his demon army over Thedas and tore it all apart. I still have to find and kill him. Then the future dies with him.”

Cassandra nodded, and was quiet for a while. Eryn brushed a few snowflakes from her hair. The cold was so much more biting this far from all the fires. 

The cheerful sounds of celebration were silenced as a more urgent sound demanded attention. Bells sounded in the distance, a voice calling out. “Forces approaching! To arms!”

Looking up, Eryn could see a river of a thousand shadows flowing over the mountains, little flickers of light in their hands that looked as small as candle lights as this distance, and the occasional flash of the light reflecting off something metallic. Something like swords and shields. In a moment, Cassandra was on her feet. She bolted down the cliff, and headed towards the village gate, her sword drawn. Eryn shook her head and decided to follow. _ Guess I won’t have to look too hard for my next target. _

Eryn would never forget the feeling when the blight corrupted madman first stepped into view. The call of the blight in its veins was a great drenching noise; overpowering. Each pulse of the creatures heart was like a shockwave sent to try her nerves. It was a call stronger than any darkspawn she’d ever encountered. Not quite as big of a pull as the Archdemon in Denerim had been, but very close. Even after she recovered from the initial blast from the dragon, the very presence of this thing brought fresh shock to bear. She forced herself to stand, ignoring the pounding in her head. Riordin’s words spoken more than a decade ago came flooding back. _ Stay focused. Don’t allow your mind to wander. Focus on anything to keep you going. _Pain darted across the mark on her palm, bringing her focus back to the task at hand. She looked the man in the eye and ignored the call of his influence. 

The man’s distorted face came into view. Yeesh. In a beauty contest, he wouldn’t have come a close second to the lyrium corrupted templars she’d had to fight to get here. He looked at her with as much hatred as she would expect from a darkspawn. These things knew nothing but hate. Behind her the dragon had landed and trapped her, cutting off any exit she might’ve had before. She was caught between a dragon and a darkspawn. Not a good start. She glanced between the two, unsure which to engage first. Then the darkspawn began to speak.

“Pretender, you toy with forces beyond your kin, no more.”

_ Another talking darkspawn?! How many more of those things are there in the world?! _“Not every day you find a darkspawn that can talk. I should be taking notes.”

“Mortals fumble for humor to hide their distress. Their fear. Such weakness will have no place in the new world that is coming. Know me. Know what you have pretended to be. Exalt the Elder One. The will that is Corypheus.” 

Whatever mirth that had been in Eryn eyes evaporated in an instant. “... You’re the Elder One… You did this…”

“You _ will _kneel.” 

Eryn slowly unsheathed her daggers. “Get over here and make me.” She bent her knees and prepared to strike. Behind her she could hear the dragon groaning, preparing its own strike. She focused in on the sound, working out the distances and getting the timing set on what she had to do next. Then she took a deep breath and charged forward. Behind her she could hear the dragon chasing after her. As the creature lunged for her, she leapt into the air. As she went she glanced behind her and saw the dragons teeth flash past her feet. He’d lunged downward, as she’d hoped, and as she fell back down, her foot pressed against the creatures snout and she used the extra force from the dragon to propel herself forward. Corypheus was a great deal taller than her, so she needed the extra momentum to get high enough to reach his vitals. Now going twice as fast as before, she launched herself at Corypheus, a dagger in each hand, looking either to slice his neck with one hand or stab through his head or chest with the other. 

Corypheus moved faster than she expected. One minute he was there, the next she was staring at his ugly face as it passed by, and felt the burn of lightning searing her skin as he hit her with an electricity spell. She hit gravel like a ragdoll and rolled twice along the ground. She struggled to get up again, still jolting from the aftermaths of the lightning strike. Pain crackled through her as she struggled to regain her footing in time to dodge another blast, this time from his dragon. It was a miracle the trebuchet wasn’t caught in the blast. She came at him again, looking to slice his legs, even though she couldn’t really see them through the- was he wearing a dress? Then the mark on her hand crackled to life again, and the pain that flared was enough to make her drop both daggers. She clutched her arm and swore viciously. Looking up she saw that it was Corypheus who had caused it. 

“Now you’re just cheating!” She spat at him, trying to sound more indignant than distressed. 

“I was not aware the Divine kept assassins among her ranks. Had I known-”

“She didn’t… Not my type at least… I wasn’t there for the damn conclave. I just happened to be there when it was happening.” 

As soon as she had heard that Eryn had been separated from the group, Leliana knew what she was doing. Eryn only ever went on her own when she had no intention of coming back. She’d done the same thing in Denerim when she’d gone after Marjolane, and that had nearly killed her. When she knew she was walking into a fight she couldn’t win, she wanted to fight alone and die alone. It was one of the things Leliana hated about her. She never had any sense of self-preservation, and Wynne’s lectures from all those years ago seemed to have had little effect on her. In fact, it seemed to only have gotten worse over time. 

She made her way through the ruined town, searching for the last trebuchet that Eryn was aiming for. If she wasn’t there, she might at least be close by. When she reached the trebuchet, she froze. The scene lay before her was almost surreal. She found Eryn being held in the air by a terrifying creature that stood almost 8 feet tall, the mark on her hand crackling erratically. This thing must have been the Elder One, there was little else it could have been. A dragon stalked around them, and flames leapt up all around the area, casting a dark red light on the surroundings. 

The creatures booming voice reached her, “I once breached the fade in the name of another to serve the old gods of the empire in person. I found only chaos and corruption-” 

Leliana listened to all this in disbelief. What he was saying was insane. He was talking about walking into the fade physically. Such a thing hasn’t been done since… Then that could only mean… An original darkspawn. One of the seven magisters that entered the Golden City. The ultimate evil. 

“-beg that I succeed. For I have seen the throne of the gods and it was _ empty _.” 

“Maybe you scarred Him off cause you’re so ugly… I’d leave too if I had the choice.” Eryn quipped. If they both lived through this, Leliana was going to beat the fool over the head. Here she was, literally in the grip of a blighted creature hell-bent on killing her and she was taunting it with wise-ass jokes. Rage flared in the magister’s eyes, and he seemed to be torn between tossing her aside or tearing her apart. 

She called out to Eryn, hoping to distract the Elder One. When Eryn turned and saw her there, bewilderment flashed in her eyes before seething irritation took its place. Distracted by the new arrival, the creature also turned his head. That was when Eryn struck. She pulled out another dagger from Maker-knows-where and stabbed it into the creatures arm. He cried out in pain and let her go. As soon as she hit the ground, there was a flicker of light as something flew into the sky above them. The signal flare. The others were above the treeline. It was time to set the avalanche in motion. As soon as she saw the signal, Eryn turned and darted towards the trebuchet, not bothering to pick up her daggers. Leliana shook her head at that. _ You wouldn’t have to always buy new ones if you took care of the ones you already have! _Some things never change. 

As Eryn ran, the Elder One readied a spell to shoot towards her. Seeing it, Leliana notched an arrow and sent it whistling through the air before piercing through his corrupted flesh. The spell went awry and exploded a wooden box right next to Eryn, sending shrapnel everywhere. She stumbled, but ran on, desperate to reach the trebuchet before the Elder One put an end to her. The creature turned back to attack Leliana but she was no longer there. Keeping to the shadows, she’d slipped down from the ledge and was making her way towards Eryn, trying to find a better vantage point to cover her from. 

At last Eryn reached her target. Her foot came crashing down onto the lever, bringing the giant convoluted piece of wood to life. A rock bigger than a dragons head sailed through the air and found its mark perfectly. The ground shook as tons of snow rumbled down towards them. 

“Come on!” Eryn’s voice reached her on the quivering air, and she turned to see her gesturing frantically. Leliana pulled her bow over her shoulder and ran towards the other woman. The Elder One and the dragon with him seemed to have lost interest. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him leave on the dragons back like something out of a fairytale; a disturbing one, for that matter. 

As she and Eryn charged forward, she suddenly realized she had no idea where they were going. They were only reacting on pure instinct, particularly the one telling them to get away. Where didn’t matter. All the mattered was getting away from the danger. The snow rushed up all around them, and their surroundings became enveloped in an icy white cloud. The snow howled past, sounding like the roars of a hideous monster that wanted to swallow them up. Eryn stumbled on something, and before she knew it she was falling through some shaft into dark nothingness. Leliana reached out to help, but ended up getting pulled in as well. It was a long time before she smacked into the ground below, landing on something soft and squishy. As her consciousness drifted away, she hoped Eryn had survived the fall; otherwise she'd be traveling back to the Fade to beat the fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always thought it was disappointing that there was no way to actually fight Corypheus in the first encounter, even if it was one of those fights u literally can’t win and lose every time. I felt it would’ve given a sense of progression when u fought him later in the game and beat his ass. Also, the darkspawn influence was always something I thought about whenever creating the headcannons for my warden inquisitor. Also liked the idea of having a warden fighting an original darkspawn magister, kinda like in awakening only way more epic.  
sry for the cliff hanger ending btw  
:3  
sorta....


	8. For the Wolf to Survive

Eryn tried to move and groaned. The fall seemed to have broken every bone in her body. On top of that, her head was pounding and she was having trouble keeping her thoughts straight. She felt as if she’d just woken up with a hangover from the hardcore stuff the dwarves drank. She was still feeling the effects from the call of the taint in the blighted magister. Eryn pressed a hand to her head and grumbled, “Andraste’s flaming ass...” 

Her eyes managed to open and she could see the ceiling above her, a dark tunnel that stretched upward into the darkness of the night. Her head was still throbbing and her vision was blurred, but, unless she imagined it, she thought she could see stars. There was something glittering dimly in the darkness. She groggily looked around at the slate colored stone walls, the long picks of icicles drooling drops of water intermittently, and the eerie darkness of the icy cave. It smelled of dampness and the chalky taste of stone caught in her throat. Although it was indeed dark, it was still bright enough that Eryn could see. She wondered where the light was coming from, but she was far too dazed to figure it out. 

Something had fallen on top of her, though she couldn’t tell what it was. She pulled off one of her gloves and tried to feel it. The ice surrounding them radiated raw chill and it was so cold her fingers went numb almost at once. Her hands brushed over the soft surface of cloth and something hard, likely metal. Then she felt something velvety soft and warmer than her hands. As her hands moved further upwards, she felt hair. A light, pleasant scent reached her senses.  _ Leliana.  _ She must’ve fallen with her through the mineshaft, or whatever it was they’d fallen through. The bard began to stir and lifted her head off Eryn’s chest. Eryn felt relief wash over her to see life still in the woman's radiant eyes. She tried to sit up herself, but her head was still spinning, forcing her to take it slow. Then Leliana’s fist thudded into her chest and she smacked back into the icy stone floor. 

“Ow… What was that for?” 

“For going out on your own and for taunting that madman, you stupid fool!” Leliana shrieked, irritation and terror dripping off her voice like tears, “That thing was going to tear you apart!” 

Eryn sighed and sat up again, “Yes. That was the idea.” The mark crackled to life again, and Leliana gave her a look of concern. 

“Does it hurt?” 

Eryn looked down at the mark, flexing her fingers in and out. She shrugged, “Not anymore.” She rubbed her arm and winced, “But Corypheus nearly tore my arm out of its socket.” 

Leliana nodded, “What  _ is _ he?” 

Eryn stumbled to her feet, grateful she hadn’t broken anything in the fall. “Well, the simple answer is ‘a darkspawn’. But Corypheus isn’t simple.” She rolled her shoulder again and felt a satisfying crackle in her arm, then the pain subsided. She sucked in a deep breath, forcing her mind to settle down and think, “He’s definitely a darkspawn but not an ordinary one, that’s obvious from the mind-numbing call he emits. My head’s still ringing. He claimed to have entered the Golden City, which would make sense, as he’s an intelligent darkspawn with magic and the ability to speak.” As she spoke Eryn held out a hand to help Leliana to her feet.

“You’re saying that like it’s normal.” The bard said as she accepted the gesture.

“Well, technically it’s not, but this isn’t the first time I’ve encountered something like this. In Amaranthine, we came across a darkspawn that spoke. I knew him only as the Architect. He looked a bit different, but he and this Corypheus are definitely of the same breed. Or brood, in their case.” She shook her head, “Anyway, we can figure things out later. Right now we have to get out of here before we freeze solid.” 

The cave of ice they were trapped in was deathly silent. The only sounds were the dripping of water and their own footsteps. It was so quiet, it made Eryns ears hurt. Behind her, she could hear Leliana’s teeth chattering very softly as they walked. She wished she had something to give her to keep her warm, but she’d left her cloak back at Haven; something she was now regretting. Why hadn’t she used a little foresight for once?  _ Idiot. _

It suddenly occurred to Eryn that there might not be a way out. These tunnels circled in a complicated knot beneath Haven, and there were plenty of openings to the world above. She’d passed by a few of them while wandering. But by now all those openings might be caved in by the avalanche. Even so, she could feel a very slight draft, and she could only just hear the slight moaning of wind. That air had to be coming in from somewhere. 

It also occurred to Eryn that the two of them hadn’t been so totally alone in years. Here and now there was no chance of being interrupted by a poorly timed messenger or another ground breaking event. Leliana must’ve been thinking the same thing. As they walked, Eryn heard the bards lilting voice echoing out in the frigid void. “Why were you at the conclave?”

Eryn visibly flinched at the question, but tried to shrug it off, “So forward. What happened to the subtle bard I used to know?” 

“Don’t change the subject. You’ve never struck me as the type to take any interest in the mage-templar conflict, and you’re certainly not the religious type either.” 

“Well you struck me as both, yet you weren’t there at all. That seems a bit suspicious too, don’t you think?” 

Leliana took a step forward, her eyes hard and unwavering. She wasn’t playing any of these games. “Were you there to kill the Divine?”

Eryn held her gaze, her voice heavy and unwavering, “No.” Her expression didn’t change when she said it, nor did her eyes drift away. There was only honesty in those eyes of steel.

Leliana nodded, satisfied. “Why then?” Eryn was silent as the ice surrounding them. “We’re not moving until you answer me, Eryn. And don’t try to lie to me.” 

“I wouldn’t insult your intelligence by lying, Leliana.” Eryn sighed, her breath misting in the air. She reached into her bag and pulled out a leather-bound book. When she opened it, she turned to the pages that had little dried up sprigs of Andraste’s Grace flattened on the pages. She held out a hand, holding one of the little flowers in her palm, trying not to shatter the delicate petals. “For you.” She spoke the words softly, and both of them understood their meaning. Impulsively, Leliana held out her own hand, and one of the little flowers fluttered into her hand. “I was on my way to where the urn used to be but I heard someone calling for help, aaaand…” She glanced away and shook her head, “My memories go blank from there.” 

Leliana’s eyes had widened, and she stared at the dried flower, cradling it in her hand like the greatest treasure in Thedas. She looked up at Eryn and gave her a hard look as if searching for something; her lips pressed together and quivering ever so slightly. Eryn knew what she was looking for. She was searching for the lies, the manufactured reasons that might hide the true ones. No matter how long she stared, she couldn’t find any lies. Eryn stood there, bare, holding nothing back. She was surprised by the feeling of lightness that swept over her. It felt strangely relieving to be honest again. 

But at the same time, she regretted what she’d done. She didn’t like drawing attention to herself, particularly to her more sentimental side. It made people mistake her for something more fragile, or something worth more than she was. She didn’t want anyone to become confused about who she really was; a killer, an assassin, a cold hearted monster. She told herself that she was the kind of person that was better left forgotten, unnoticed and alone. Whatever pain she felt was nothing compared to the pain she had inflicted, and she knew it. 

Whatever Leliana was going to say next, Eryn never found out. There was a bone chilling moan that definitely wasn’t from the wind. Eryn’s head snapped around, her muscles tensed in response. She slammed the journal closed, shoving it back into her bag. Sure enough, around the corner she could see them, a pair of despair demons skulking around in a section of the cavern ahead. Eryn’s heart flipped. She grabbed Leliana and pulled her into the only hiding place she could find. There was a sizable crack in the ice, making a tiny gap. It was only just big enough for them to fit, but only because Eryns frame was so narrow. 

Eryns breath rasped as her eyes warily scanned outside, her pupils darting left and right ceaselessly, waiting for the demons to appear. She kept a hand on leliana’s arm protectively, as if at any moment a demon might reach through and Leliana would be torn from her hands. She became aware of how close the two of them were, and tried to calm her breathing.

“Didn’t get a chance to steal a drink tonight?” Leliana quietly teased. 

“I was late to the party…” Eryn groused, “The only thing they had left at the bar was a bloody light weight beer. I could chug a whole bottle and not feel a thing…”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Leliana half smiling. Eryn allowed her eyes to glance back at her. She could smell the wine on the spymasters breath, and quietly envied it. She allowed her eyes to drift down to Leliana’s lips. Eryn’s teeth tugged on her bottom lip, and she thought about kissing her. Such a thought was growing more and more enticing with their closeness. Surely she could get drunk on the velvety warmth of that woman's wine red lips.

Something moved and Eryn tensed, her hand hovering over one of her throwing knives. One of the despair demons had either heard or sensed them and had drawn closer. Eryn could see the tatter cloth that was always wrapped around the wretched creatures. She sometimes thought they always looked more pitiful than threatening, wrapped up in rags like a homeless person or a hermit. But of course, that was likely the point. It was probably what made them so dangerous. Leliana raised a hand to her mouth to smother her breathing, and although Eryn wasn’t looking at her, she knew her other hand would be reaching for her own concealed dagger. Eryn’s eyes narrowed, and her jaw was pulled tight. Her whole consciousness was focused in on the demon, waiting for the moment it would turn and see them there. But it swayed from side to side for a moment, then turned away, suddenly disinterested, and moved back to the others in the bigger chamber. 

Eryn and Leliana both let out a sigh of relief, their hands dropping away from the weapons. Eryn recomposed herself, and edged aside to peek out. She analyzed the placement of the demons. The one good thing about demons was that they weren’t intelligent. They weren’t technically looking for anything, they were just… there. Like wild animals. Wild animals that knew magic, that is. After a few moments of thought, Eryn moved back into their hiding place. She spoke quietly, “Ok, so here’s the deal. I’m gonna take out the one closest to us, and see if I can get the other one in the left corner. I can’t take two of them at once so I need you to take out the one in the right corner.” 

Leliana nodded but said nothing. 

“We gotta get ‘em quick, ok. If we wait too long they’ll put up their damn barrier and that’ll take forever to break through. So don’t wait.” Eryn glanced to the side and seemed to be done, but after a pause she added, “And don’t die. That’s important too.” 

Eryn crept out of the hiding spot first, her dagger drawn, and began tip-toeing up behind the first of the demons. As she moved, it occurred to her that she’d never actually successfully snuck up on a demon before. Could she even sneak up on these creatures? Perhaps Solas knew, but she sure didn’t. But it was too late now. 

Eryn’s dagger jammed into the neck of the demon, twisting as it passed into its wretched form. The demon died instantly, bursting into green particles that drifted back to the Fade. But when the demon died, it cried out in agony, alerting its other friends. The other demons and wisps turned and saw Eryn. She swore under her breath and threw herself to the side. The icicle shards that had been launched her way shattered on the ground, the shards chasing after her as she rolled over on the icy ground. She got straight back up again and charged the demon to her left. She couldn’t let them put up their barriers or run away, she had to end this quickly. She saw the demon begin to charge a magic attack of some sort, waving its hands in front of it over and over again in a way that looked almost like a summoning ritual. Eryn knew this spell and reacted on instinct. Just as the runes appeared at her feet, she leaped into the air as high as she could, tucking in her feet under her. The ground where she’d just been standing exploded in a frozen fracture of ice. Had she still been standing there, she’d been frozen solid, or put on the ground from the force of the sudden appearance of the ice. But she flew right over it, unharmed. 

Her boots hit the floor right in front of the demon. She lounged forward, aiming for the demons throat. But the demon seemed to be expecting that strike. It caught hold of her arm, its other hand slammed against her head. The two were locked together rigid as if about to do some twisted version of a Waltz, and Eryn was unable to break free in time. Eryn cried out as she felt the sharp bite of cold seeping in from the demon's hand, and at the same time, a nameless other feeling began seeping in with it. Her legs began to lose their strength, and her mind began to slowly fill with soft voices.  _ Give up. There’s no longer any point. It’s hopeless anyway. You’re finished. Stop wasting time with this. _ Eryn couldn’t understand what was the matter with her. She’d felt perfectly fine before, but she felt her body slowly going limp from some unknown force. It was as if the cold from the demons hand was seeping into her bloodstream. The ice coursing through her veins and numbing her body from the inside out. The relentless voices of the demon called out to her, the effect of its words slowly draining her energy.  _ They’ve abandoned you. You’re going to die here. No one will even notice when you’re gone. There’s no point in fighting any longer. What do you have left to fight for anyway? It’s not like there’s anyone left in your life to care.  _ Eryn’s knees hit the floor, though she didn’t remember how they’d gotten there. She cursed and tried to shove the dagger forward, but it felt as heavy as a two-handed broad sword. Suddenly she was exhausted.  _ Everyone you’ve ever loved is gone. Soon you will be gone. You’re not strong enough to survive this. You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not enough. You could’ve even save her from- _

An arrow flashed over Eryn’s shoulder and pierced through the demons head. The demon screeched in pain and Eryn was able to regain enough strength to break free and drive her dagger int other demon, finishing it off. As the demons remains scattered into the air, Eryn gasped for air and turned to where Leliana was standing. She would’ve thanked her, but there was no time. With a sense of disbelief and rage, Eryn realized Leliana hadn’t killed the other demon. When Eryn had attacked other demon, she must’ve seen that she was in trouble. She had wasted precious time to save Eryn, and neglected to finish killing the other demon. Now that demon sent an icicle into Leliana’s leg. Eryn scrambled to her feet and ran towards her. She was infuriated. Leliana should’ve been defending herself. She should’ve killed the other demon first. Eryn and told her to focus on the other demon first, and this was why. These things were death itself. One wrong move and this was the result. 

Eryn could see the demon charging its attack. She reached towards Leliana, crying out. At once, the rift flared to life and there was an explosion of green as another rift opened up before them. Eryn gritted her teeth and cursed.  _ Sure, pile it on, I can take it.  _ Then she realized the rift wasn’t spouting any demons. In fact, it was sucking life from the demons around them. Eryn watched in disbelief as the remaining despair demons gave one final screech before bursting into a collection a green particles that were swept away by the rift. The rift also vaporized as soon as they were gone, and the icy cave was silent again. 

Eryn stood there blinking in stupefied silence. She looked down at her hand, still crackling with energy, green particles bursting from her hand like sparks from a flame. Then Leliana’s voice gasping out in pain brought her attention back to current events. She rushed over to where Leliana was and knelt down beside her. Leliana was looking paler than usual on the icy floor. Drops of crimson were spreading. _The still icy air of the lifeless temple. The red of blood on the tiles. Pale skin growing pa-_ _No! Focus!_ Eryn shook herself out of her blackened memories. Now wasn’t the time. Panic was overtaking her. She know nothing about medical aid, and frantically searched her brain for what to do. Eryn resolved to do the bare minimum of stopping the bleeding. The healers could worry about the rest when the time came. She tore off her left sleeve and began tying it tight around Leliana’s leg. The spymaster reached out and tried to stop her, “You’ll freeze, Eryn!” 

Eryn brushed her off, “I’ll be fine. I can’t feel the cold on that arm.” She shrugged, “Must be the mark.” 

“Can you feel  _ anything _ ?” As she spoke, Leliana ran a hand down Eryn’s arm, her fingers tracing patterns over the bare skin. A shiver danced over her skin, but not from the cold. The touch was so light and yet so potent, electricity arching out and forming the thunder of her heart. She wished Leliana would take those gloves off so she could feel the touch of her soft skin again. Since the Blight, but there had always been a realness, a heartfelt softness to Leliana’s touch that she’d missed. She hadn’t realized how badly starved for it she was until now. 

“Felt that…” Eryn murmured, looking longingly into Leliana’s eyes. Then Leliana stilled her hand, and Eryn dragged herself out of her trance. “The mark, it’s radiating heat or… something. I can’t really tell what, but whatever it is it’s keeping my arm warm. At least this thing’s good for something for once.” 

“Other than the whole closing rifts thing, you mean.” Leliana quipped sarcastically.

Eryn cracked a little smile, “Right. That’s kinda a big deal, isn’t it?” She finished her work and stood up, holding out a hand to help her up. Leliana managed to stand, with difficulty, but she couldn’t walk, so Eryn supported her on her shoulder as they made for the exit. 

They emerged from the cave into a grey lit world of twisting currents of snow rushing past like water from a stream. It was a stream that didn’t seem to have any end in sight. Eryn squinted through the mist and barely caught sight of something glowing reddish orange in the far distance. A campfire? It was a mere pinprick of light, and to get to it meant moving against the current, headlong into the wind. But it was the only possible way forward Eryn could see, and she would prefer a goal over stumbling blind. 

She took a deep breath and the first of many strides forward, feeling the hammer blow of the wind against her face. The words of her inner demons called out to her; or was it the words of the demon that had almost killed her. They were begging her to stop. To give up an accept her fate. But she couldn’t. She knew the hopelessness of it all, but she didn’t care. If she was going to die out here, then she was going to die fighting tooth and nail. She wasn’t going to coward on the ground and wait for death to come to her, not with Leliana’s life at stake. It didn’t matter what Eryn’s fate was, Leliana wasn’t allowed to die, not while Eryn was still breathing. She wouldn’t allow it. Never again. 

Leliana’s voice croaked, her fingers tugging at Eryns arms slightly, “Eryn… Put me down…” 

“Sh!” Eryn shushed her sharply and continued on. 

“Leave me... You’ll die out here with me slowing you down...” 

“Hush, Leliana. Save your energy.” Eryn ignored her words and blinked irritably as a snowflake hit her directly in the eye. She tightened her grip on Leliana, pressing her close and hoping that the energy radiating off the mark would somehow help at least keep her warm. Snow swirled around them as if trying to swallow them up, the blizzard unwilling to let them escape. A thousand jagged flakes that sought to bury them forever in this frigid darkness. The howling wind cut into her eyes, and Eryn was starting to really feel the chill, or rather, she was beginning to lose feeling. The cold was working its way up her sleeves, seeping into her from every angle. It was as if her body was slowly being taken away from her a little bit at a time. For a moment, one of her pant legs felt stiff, and Eryn wondered if it had frozen. She had never been so cold. 

Eventually, Leliana fell unconscious and Eryn resolved to carry her in her arms to move faster. It didn’t last long however. She fell over countless times, each time leaving her face caked in freezing snow slush. Her strength was quickly failing, and by the time she found an abandoned camp site, she was practically dragging Leliana along; it was all she could manage. Upon reaching the clearing and the charred remains of a fire, Eryn set down Leliana and investigated it. There wasn’t much to learn from it, the fire had been made by only one person, possibly a scout, there was only one set of tracks around it, the indentations still visible now that the snow had stopped falling so heavily. The lingering heat of the embers have her hope; it had only recently died. In the distance, she could hear wolves howling, and deep inside herself, she felt a wave of despair creeping up to smother the hope within her. If one of the wolves decided to come find the two women, Eryn wasn’t sure she’d have the strength to fight back. 

Looking up, she noticed the tracks leading away and into a narrow rocky passage. She managed to make her way through the rocky pass, desperately pulling along Leliana’s unconscious body, which was beginning to look disturbingly like a corpse. The last thing she saw was the flicker light of campfires, and a silhouetted group of figures approaching her. She fell down into the snow again. She no longer had the strength to go on. Her eyes were closed, but her consciousness was just barely flickering in and out. She felt Leliana pulled from her grasp, and groped out for her again frantically, but a pair of hands stopped her and a voice spoke to her, though she couldn’t understand the words. Sometime before her consciousness slipped away, she recognized it was Cassandra’s voice. 

Eryn sat on a wooden box, sharpening her daggers to keep her hands busy in this cold. The others were gathered around a fire but Eryn preferred to stay away from crowds. That and Leliana was over there as well. Even after Mother Giselle’s rallying song, everyone was still feeling a bit down. The magic of that moment had finally worn off, and the realities were sinking back in. Haven was gone, and they had nothing but these tents and the remains of the forces they'd gathered. As she watched the sparks glisten in the dark wind, Eryn was working things out in her head. She had already spoken with Solas and he'd told her about the castle he'd known of. She trusted his information, and she trusted him. Now she only had to figure out how to convince the others.

“You might wanna ease up before you grind your blades down to toothpicks.” 

Eryn glanced up, expecting to see Varric. Instead it was Leliana who was making her way towards her. She walked with crutches now. 

Eryn glanced down when she neared and asked, "How's your leg?"

"It's not broken, and it'll heal in time."

Eryn allowed the words to wash over her, and allowed herself the moment of relaxation that the words brought with them. She'd been wracked with trepidation about it all night, and had been worried that an amputation would be needed. Evidently, she knew too little about medicine for her own good. She glanced up and stilled her hand momentarily, "Then maybe you shouldn't be on it right now. Maybe you should be resting by the fire with the others over there." Sparks of concern danced vaguely across features like a stray wisp of hair fluttering right at the corner of one’s vision. 

"There will be time enough for that, later." Leliana's eyes drilled into Eryn's and she felt herself pinned down like a nug under the paws of a bear. "Why didn't you leave me?"

Eryn bit her lip and said nothing. She glanced down and drew the whetstone against her blade in a slow arch.

"I was only slowing you down, and you could've gotten away with it easily. You could've just told them that I died in the avalanche." Leliana glanced down, and Eryn was shocked to find a flicker of pain cross her face, “... Especially considering just being around me seems to make you miserable…” 

That hurt. Everything she said was right, Eryn knew it, and yet her words cut through her like the mountain wind; pitiless and cold. Eryn knew that her words weren't unwarranted, but they were still just as painful. It ached her that Leliana thought her so cold and cruel as to leave her behind for her own benefit. She wanted to give her a biting reply, but held her tongue against the impulse. She'd hurt Leliana far too much to be defensive against retaliation. She took a breath, trying to quell the wretchedness welling up within her. She put away the whetstone and sheathed her dagger, forcing herself to meet Leliana's hardened gaze, "Leliana, do you remember that night we stood on watch together? After... that whole fiasco in Denerim?"

The question seemed to take her by surprise, but she nodded all the same.

"Do you remember what I told you then? About how I felt?" Eryn looked at Leliana with tired eyes, "Leliana, I wasn't lying when I said that I loved you." She stood up shoving her hands in her pockets in an attempt to warm them up. "Regardless of your own feelings for me, that hasn't changed." 

Leliana stared with eyes that were losing their cold disguise. Eryn could tell she was still trying to keep her facade, and to anyone else it would only appear to be a flicker of emotion, but Eryn knew her well enough to see that her emotions were slowly eroding through her mask. Worrying that she may have overstepped her bounds, she tried to shrug off the moment. "I uhh... I should turn in for the night. We've a long day tomorrow."

"Eryn!" Leliana called out to her and she stopped in time to see the spymaster stumble. Eryn moved forward instinctively to catch her. Their hands touched, and for the first time in years they were closer than they'd ever been. Eryn looked into Leliana's eyes, now so close that she could see every individual strand of color twirling around in her iris to form the enthralling blue color that had so enraptured Eryn from the first moment. She knew she should move away, but she was transfixed in the other woman’s gaze. She opened her mouth to say something, then felt Leliana's hand on the back of her neck, and her lips were smothered in a passionate kiss. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Eryn knew that Leliana must've stumbled on purpose to draw her in. She wasn't at all disappointed that she'd fallen for it. Eryn was still holding onto Leliana by her arms, but now she allowed her hands to reach around to her back, holding her steady. She could feel Leliana's other hand pulling slightly on Eryn's collar, pulling her closer, as if that were possible. After a while, Eryn was beginning to feel dizzy. She'd kissed many women in her life, even after Leliana's supposed death, but none of them ever had such a powerful effect on her as this woman did. It was as if Leliana had been born with a unique ability to ensnare Eryn with a look, a touch, a word, or, in this instance, a kiss. Eryn could taste the fire sparking on her tongue, and feel the sparkling embers gathering on their lips. Her core was turning molten, her veins running with white hot liquid. In that moment, she forgot everything that had happened. Forgetting her pain, her regret, her anger, forgetting that she was dying from the taint, Eryn had known only of the pulse of love that her heart was pumping through her every second.

When the kiss broke, Eryn gasped for air, her face alight with heat, sweat forming on her neck. "What was that?" She asked between breaths.

"A one-time thing." Leliana murmured, still so close that they were practically murmuring into each others mouths. Then she turned and limped away, leaving Eryn stunned and struggling to catch her breath. She could still taste the faint ghost of the fire on her tongue when she flopped onto her cot that night. 


	9. Inquisitor Cousland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally done! First of all, thank you all for those we have been patiently waiting, and all of you who have been leaving lovely comments. I go back and read them all the time and they seriously make my day. I apologize for how long this took to write, but a lot of shit happened. First I got burned out and took a monthly hiatus in May, then in June a lot of personal stuff started happening, and all that on top of summer classes made it difficult to focus on writing. But I managed to get it done, and this one was a bit longer than usual. Hope you guys enjoy it!   
Before I go I want to reassure all of you that this fic is never going to be abandoned until its finished. I've already made the decision that no matter how long it takes, no matter how complicated the story gets, Eryn is going to get her happy ending. It'll just take a long time. Because I'm a slow ass writer. Deal with it. lol.   
Anyway, enjoy! and I'll see you all after the next century it takes me to write the next chapter! :)

The following morning was the first day in a long trek towards the abandoned castle Solas had told her about. He’d pointed out the location and Eryn had volunteered to take point. She spent most of her time on her own, scouting ahead of everyone with the occasional Inquisition scout off to her side. Leliana still had her own scouts to help. Eryn was glad for the time away. She was still sorting her thoughts out. 

The kiss had sent her through a whirlwind of emotions, and she couldn’t get it out of her head. She found herself replaying the moment over and over again in her head, sometimes feeling that the warmth of the memory could somehow bleed over into reality. It was something she’d been wanting to do, at least one more time, for years. Leliana’s kisses were just as velvety warm and passionate as she remembered them, perhaps even more so. But at the same time, she felt guilty. They were never going to get back together, but Eryn’s expression of her feelings and her past actions had confused Leliana, leading her to believe that Eryn was still someone worthy of her affections. It occurred to Eryn that the kiss could’ve been because of Leliana’s own feelings being confused and conflicted, and she was no doubt responsible for that. Eryn cursed herself, wishing she hadn’t said anything. It was safer for Leliana to hate her. Eryn didn’t want to hurt her anymore, but it seemed that was something she couldn’t stop doing. She was still in love with Leliana, she knew that. But was she allowed to be? Was she allowed to love someone she’d killed and hurt times beyond counting? Shouldn’t she just leave, and let Leliana live her life without the eyesore of Eryns presence? And what did that say about Eryn as a person if she was still in love with someone she had caused so much pain? Dammit! Why couldn’t her emotions make sense for once?! 

Snow crunched softly as she knelt down on the cliffs edge, surveying the land ahead. As she did so, she heard the call of a crow, and a flutter of black feathers in the corner of her vision. One of Leliana’s messenger crows had caught up with her, and she felt its claws digging into the leather as it landed on her shoulder. She glanced over at the crow, grateful that this one wasn’t Barron Plucky. The last time she’d seen that bird, he’d nearly taken her eyes out, and she suspected he’d try it again the moment he got the opportunity. But this crow was new to her, and she didn’t yet know its name. There was a rolled up piece of paper tied to its leg. She carefully removed it from the birds leg, and unrolled it. The note was a message from Leliana, who was a mile behind with the others. It said that Harding and Charter had reported sporadic bandit activity in the northwest, but nothing of serious concern yet. Eryn filed the information away in her mind, then scribbled a few words of what she’d seen on the back of the paper, and tied it back to the birds leg. With a great flapping and rustling of feathers, the crow set off again, and Eryn was alone. 

How long had they been traveling for? She no longer remembered. Each day seemed to blur into the next. Colorless, shapeless days of walking through snow, forcing down rations, sleeping, eating, and then walking some more, with nothing to distinguish one from the other. Solas had said the journey would’ve taken about three days, but Eryn still wondered. It didn’t feel as though they were making much progress. Everything looked the same, and there seemed to be no end to the towering mountains of black stone of snow. It had been two days so far, so they had to be close. 

The harsh landscape of the Frsotbacks was wearing everyone down, and they hadn’t been very happy and healthy to begin with. Food was becoming scarce, and there was little means of replenishing it. Every night was almost leathally cold, the wind that constantly howled through the mountains, cut through heat like a knife. Cullen, Josephine, Leliana and Cassandra seemed to be arguing almost constantly. The stress was making everyone grumpy, scared, or both. Half the time Cullen and Leliana seemed to be on the verge of killing each other, and it wouldn’t be long until one of them snapped and did exactly that. Josephine was the biggest worry. She wasn’t designed for this kind of rough living and it was evident in everything she did. She’d been uncomfortable in Haven, but now she was miserable. Eryn wished there was something she could do, but there didn’t seem to be much until this journey was over. 

Eryn lowered herself over the edge of the cliff as far as she could then let go. She fell through the air and hit the snow far below. The snow bank she fell into swallowed up the lower half of her body, but it had cushioned the fall and she was unhurt. She climbed out of the snow and continued on, scouting to the north. There was a familiar sound on the mountain wind. Eryn stopped, stray snowflakes brushing past as her scarf flapped in the wind. Sure enough, just ahead she saw it. A wolf standing off by itself. The wolf’s coat was very dark, almost black, making it easier to see against the snow. The wolf was staring at her, but it made no indication that it was about to attack. Its tail was low, its ears remained perked upward. Its face was neutral, with no glint of teeth showing. The wolf simply stood there staring, as if trying to tell her something. It threw its head back and again she heard the familiar sound of a wolf’s howl. Then the wolf looked to one side and dashed away. 

Eryn moved forward, and looked down at the clean, undisturbed snow. The wolf had left no tracks. She stood there blinking. Had she hallucinated it? However she noticed a different string of tracks in the snow. Intrigued, she stopped to examine them. If they were a ram or another fennec, she might have something to take back for dinner besides rations. But these tracks weren’t from any animal, they were boot tracks. Someone had been through here already, and recently judging from how sharp and fresh the tracks still were. The jagged edges of the indentations hadn’t yet been worn down and melted by the sun. Eryn looked up, keeping herself low, and scanned the area, searching for the footstep’s owner. She could see nothing, and the tracks led off at an angle. She began following them, keeping low and alert for what she might find. Whoever it was, they were in a hurry. 

Over the next hill, she found that the tracks lead to an abandoned fort. At least, it looked abandoned from a distance, but the tracks definitely lead into the fort, and looking closer, she could see other boot tracks scattered around, many of them just as fresh. She kept herself low, and studied the fort from afar. After waiting a while, something moved. There were archers and lookouts on the forts walls, wandering around and scanning the landscape, most of them bored silly with drinks in hand. 

As she scanned the area, she noticed another set of tracks leading away from the fort. Her eyes followed them without thinking. The tracks moved around the fort and turned away sharply towards the south. They continued south, growing wider, and- 

And something flashed in the corner of her eye. Eryn ducked down and felt the rush of wind as an axe sliced the air just above her head. The flash of the steel against the sun was the only thing that had kept Eryns head on her shoulders. Eryn just had time to draw her daggers and get to her feet, when the axe sailed through the air again. 

The cold air of the Frostbacks bit into her throat with every breath as Eryn stumbled along. The gash on the side of her leg was no longer bleeding, but still stung. Her shoulder was bruised and there was a gash on her temple still dripping blood, forcing her to wipe it out of her eye every now and then. Her chest was aching and she could feel the broken edges of her broken ribs gouging her skin. Gritting her teeth, she forced herself on. The others needed to know about the bandits on the road. 

Ahead she saw a tiny dot getting bigger. She quickened her pace despite the protest of her lungs. She could see a collection of soldiers scattered around the main body of the Inquisition. The soldiers went for their weapons at first, but left them in their sheaths when they saw who it was. One of the soldiers called out and Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine appeared from the group. Cullens face was one of polite interest. Leliana’s was one of concern. Josephine’s was one of shock. She called out for a healer, but Eryn stopped her.

“Later. Right now we have more important things to worry about.”

“What’s happened? Your last report sounded absolutely fine.” Leliana said.

“It happened right after I sent it. There’s a bandit hideout along the road. They’ve been wandering around assaulting caravans and such, and we’re right in the path of their patrolling prowlers.”

“Where?” Cullen demanded. 

“About 5 miles to the northeast. They’re hold up in an abandoned fort.” 

The three all glanced at each other and nodded. 

“We should send more agents to take out the bandits.” Leliana said. 

“Without support from the soldiers?” Cullen shook his head. “You’d lost half of them. No, we need to face the bandits head on in an assault.” 

“Do we even need to fight them? We could simply go around them and avoid their line of sight.” Josephine suggested. 

“If we took the fort, we’d have a place to settle for a bit and catch our breath.”

“Is the fort even big enough for all of us? We have quite a few people here. And if there are bandits on patrol they won’t be too pleased to find their home invaded.”

Eryn groaned, “Enough! We aren’t going to get anywhere if we have to argue and bicker about every little step we take.” Another drop of blood dripped into her eye, and she stopped a minute to wipe it away. Then she recomposed herself and continued, “Taking the fort is wasted energy. It might put us in a more strategic position, but it would also put us in the line of sight of the enemy. That and we won’t even be there for very long. We have to keep moving to find the castle Solas is leading us to. We don’t know how many bandits are scouting around the area, and they’re bound to know the terrain and the fort better than us. I’ve studied the forts layout on the outside, though. There are lookouts at intervals along the walls, if we take them out and leave the rest of the fort, we can sneak by with no one the wiser. If we do run into any patrols it’ll be just one or two at a time. They won’t be much of a problem against our soldiers.”

The three all looked at eachother and seemed to come to an agreement. 

Leliana was first to speak, “I’ll send my agents ahead.”

“And I’ll update the troops.” Cullen said. 

Josephine nodded, “In the meantime, you should get yourself looked at by a healer.”

Eryn shook her head. “Nah, I’ll be fine.”

“What’s that?” Leliana wasn’t having any of it, “Sorry I was too distracted by the blood dripping off your forehead.” 

Eryn rolled her eyes, “I’m still breathing. I’m fine.”

“Alright. Then let go of your side, and walk in a straight line without stumbling. If you can manage that simple task, then you must be fine.” 

Eryn glowered, irritated by the stubborn womans persistence. 

“Come on, Eryn. This will only take a moment.” Solas’s voice startled her. He was always so quiet and nondescript it was easy to not see him coming until it was too late. Eryn wanted to argue further, but Leliana gave her a hard look that told her that was a lost cause. Reluctantly, she moved away with Solas to a more private spot. They found an area away from the range of everyone’s eyesight, Eryn lifted her shirt to reveal the slash in her side and Solas began work. The two rarely spoke, as Eryn often didn’t know quite what to say to him. She didn’t really have anything to say to him. But as he worked, she found she wanted to break the awkward silence. 

“So about this castle of yours, you say you saw this in the fade? How do you know it’s real?”

“I don’t.”

Eryn frowned. “That’s not very reassuring, Solas.”

“Everything in the fade is a memory, and memories are all too easily muddied. Just like your books and maps. They contain truths, but reason and sense are required to extract them.”

“Well when you put it that way… Although, now that you mention it, the fade might be a better source even than history books. History is written by the victors, and they can put whatever they want on the pages.” A moment of thoughtful silence passed. Eryn noticed the pain subsiding, and could feel the jagged edges of the cuts beginning to mend. 

“What else have you seen in the fade?”

“I’ve seen many past events in the Fade. I saw the valiant battle against the darkspawn at Ostagar, and Loghain's infamous betrayal. I also saw what happened in the Temple of Sacred Ashes.”

“So, you know who killed the Divine?”

“No. But I do know how Leliana died.”

Eryn was silent, and stared at Solas as if he were holding a knife against her throat. Keeping her voice low, she asked, “Who else knows? Who have you told?”

“No one.”

Eryn raised her eyebrow, “Why? Don’t you think they should know that I can’t be trusted.”

“I do. But you can be trusted.”

Eryn snorted, “How badly did the Fade distort that memory?” 

Solas smiled knowingly. “It’s easy to paint yourself as the villain in a situation as complicated as that. But you can only be responsible for your own actions, your intentions. You cannot take the fall for a murder that wasn’t yours. Even someone who didn’t know you could tell you had no intention of hurting her. You gave no orders. The qunari acted on his own volition. And she knew what she would risk in attacking you, but it was her risk to take.”

“Your wrong, no matter how you paint the picture, I was the villain of that tragedy. She was a good woman doing what she believed in. I was a cowardly fool trying to keep my own happiness safe. I was willing to destroy a holy relic to keep one woman alive. And in the end it cost me the very thing I was trying to save! A hero would’ve done better. They would’ve found a middle way, or just refused to do it outright, I don’t know. They would’ve stopped Sten before he could-” Eryn stopped, not trusting herself to go on. 

“There was a saying amongst my people once; The healer has the bloodiest hands. You cannot treat a wound without knowing how deep it goes. You cannot heal pain by hiding it. You must accept; accept the blood to make it better. You have taken the first step, that is the hardest part. But I wonder if you will allow yourself to take the next step?”

“What’s that?” 

“The mending. The healing. The forgiving.” 

Eryn shook her head, “You speak as if I even deserve such a luxury.” 

“It isn’t about what you deserve. The guilt is like this wound. You can let it fester, and progressively get worse as it slowly eat away at you, weakening you from the inside out. Or you can let someone help you and take the pain away so you can better face the greater threats to come. Guilt is a distraction, and one we can ill afford.” 

Eryn nodded. “You’re right.” She stood when she felt the pain subsiding. “I won’t let it distract me. I’ll keep my eyes front.” 

As she moved away, she didn’t look back and see Solas shaking his head as he watched her go. In her heart, she knew Solas was right, but she just couldn’t do it. She simply couldn’t find it within herself. How do you forgive someone who killed the woman you love? Maybe the Maker could if he wished to, but she sure couldn’t. 

As Eryn made her way back to the rest of the group, her eyes were drawn, inevitably it seemed, to Leliana. She still walked with crutches, and seemed to have the most difficulty. Feeling a pang of worry and guilt, Eryn rushed forward and reached out to help her, but found that Josephine was already at her side. Her hand was still hovering out to her side, but she awkwardly moved it away, trying to act natural. 

As she walked Leliana turned and noticed her by her side. “I see you and our elven friend had a nice chat.”

Eryn shrugged, “You could say that.” 

“What about?”

Eryns teeth tugged on her lips, her breath hissing as she sucked in a breath, “... Stuff.” 

Leliana’s eyes narrowed, “Interesting subject… Care to enlighten me?”

“Stuff… that he saw in the fade.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“It’s nothing that’s gonna pose any risk to anyone here. You can move onto more pressing matters, spymaster.”

“You put a lot of faith in his advice.” 

Eryn shrugged, “About as much faith as I give anyone offering free information on crap I know nothing about.” 

“What do you think of him? Can we trust him?”

“We have a literal Qunari spy with us and you’re worried about a scrawny elf with an egg shaped head?” Eryn turned a hard glare on Iron Bull, who was several feet ahead, joking around with his Chargers. “I’d be more worried about Bull turning on us the moment he decides it best serves their damn Qun.” 

“All of his reports have been accurate so far, and he’s helped flush out quite a few leaks within the Inquisition since he joined. So far he’s proven himself. Our elven apostate however… I’m still unsure of.” 

“He didn’t have to stay with us through all of this. He could’ve left the moment we had a plan to seal the Breach.”

“The same could be said about you.”

“You say that like I really had any choice in the matter.”

“Didn’t you? After you sealed the Breach you could’ve walked away. You could’ve slipped away, and no one would’ve come after you.” 

Eryn opened her mouth and hesitated. She knew Leliana would know she was lying if she tried to shrug it off with her usual list of bullshit excuses, and that knowledge was making it harder and harder to talk to her. She gritted her teeth.  _ Can’t we talk about something else, dammit!  _ “I trust Solas. He’s an honest guy who says what he believes to be true, and he’s not the kind to betray for power. And if he’s right about this abandoned castle, he’ll have earned my trust twice over.” 

“How do you know he isn’t leading us to a trap?”

“I don’t.”

“A leap of faith then?”

“‘Leap of faith’ isn’t the word I would’ve used. I was never the faithful one. You were.” She let a sly mirk spread across her face, “I’d call this more a desperate last resort because every alternative sucked. And I didn’t hear any other plans.”

“Josie had an idea.”

“Don’t tell me you really believed that any of our allies could’ve sent aid before we all froze or starved to death out here?”

“I didn’t say it was a good one, but it was still an idea.”

“It was perfectly reasonable!” Josephine retorted, and Eryn realized she’d been listening. 

Eryn’s smirk widened, “Sure, ambassador. Our closest allies are at least a weeks travel away, provided they can even find us out here. Perfectly reasonable to sit around and wait a week for a rescue party that may or may not be coming.”

“Better than trucking across these freezing mountains in search of a castle that may or may not even be there.” 

Leliana chuckled, the sound warming Eryns insides in spite of the cold, “Cheer up Josie. We’re bound to find it tomorrow.”

Then next morning, Eryn was woken by a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see Solas standing over her.

“Come with me.” He said in hushed tones.

Eryn followed him as they left the immediate camp and trudged up a hill. Just as they reached the peak of the hill, Eryn stopped and put out a hand to rest against the stone. When she looked up, she saw it. A castle perched high and proud on top of a mountain that seemed to have been cut in half to accommodate it, with a wall of mountains all around, creating a sort of cradle. A cradle made of black rock with sharp ends shooting into the heavens. 

_ Skyhold. _

Everyone was relieved to finally stop traveling, and Skyhold looked promising. While it was weathered, and partially retaken by nature, the stone walls were sturdy, and with a bit of repairing, they would be strong enough to withstand anything. Eryn was shocked to discover grass growing inside the castle courtyard. It was strange to see grass in the middle of a frozen wasteland. She could see the snowflakes settling on the grass, a thin layer of white settling like a frosted fog. Strangely the castle grounds felt warmer than the rest of the surrounding mountains. Eryn couldn’t understand it. Even in the shade without direct sunlight it was still noticeably warmer, just being within the castle grounds. 

She’d only just finished a quick lunch when she walked into the castle courtyard and noticed Cassandra, Leliana, Josephine, and Cullen all standing together discussing something. Eryn watched them a siddled a little closer to try and hear what was being said, but not wanting to draw attention to herself. To her dismay, Cassandra saw her right away. But Cassandra was waving her over with a warm look, and the others had turned to see her. They all looked genuinely pleased to see her. Feeling increasingly puzzled, Eryn approached the group. When Eryn neared, the others broke away, possibly to attend to their own duties in getting Skyhold up and running, but Cassandra remained. She gestured and Eryn followed by her side.

“Word of our survival is bound to reach Corypheus.” Cassandra was saying as they walked. “This is far from the war we anticipated.”

“Maybe but we have a better fortress now, and we’re better suited to take him on now. Next time we’ll give him a good thrashing. I owe him a few bruises anyway...”

“Not only that. We now know what allowed you to stand against Corypheus. What drew him to you.” Cassandra stopped and turned to face her, and Eryn saw something glinting in her eyes. She’d seen the same thing during the actual formation of the Inquisition when she’d called her some Maker-given gift. 

Eryn rolled her eyes.  _ Here we go again. _ “Not more of this sodding ‘Herald of Andraste’ nonsense.” She raised her hand, “The mark is what drew him to me. That’s all. There’s nothing special or divinely touched about me.”

“The mark has power, but it’s not why you’re standing here right now.” She turned and continued walking.

“Dumb luck and a monologue that dragged on too long is why I’m here right now.” Eryn said as she followed behind.

“Your decisions let us heal the sky. Your determination brought us out of Haven. You are the creatures rival because of what  _ you  _ did, and we know it; all of us.”

Eryn shrugged, “I suppose. No one else volunteered to do it and it had to be done… Why are you telling me all this?” 

Leliana appeared at the top of the steps, and moved towards them. There was a sword balanced in her hands. It was big enough to be a two-handed sword, gilded and elegantly decorated; clearly a ceremonial sword meant for appearances more than actual utility. 

“The Inquisition needs a leader; one who has already been leading it.” 

Eryn nodded, Cassandra clearly must’ve been talking about herself. The position was well earned and- and Cassandra didn’t take the sword. She stood idly by watching, as if waiting for an answer. Puzzled, Eryn looked back and saw that Leliana was looking at her. Glancing around at the crowds below, she felt all eyes trained on her. Then she realized. It wasn’t Cassandra they’d been talking about.

“You.” Eryn almost didn’t hear the words over the black waters of terror that were slowly rising up within her mind. 

“Wait a minute…” Eryn began, her voice noticeably quivering. She took a step back, her hands raised, “Look, I’m more than willing to help defeat Corypheus, but actually  _ leading _ this thing?” She shook her head frantically, “You’ve got the wrong woman.” Eryn couldn’t hide the panic that was slowly engulfing her, she didn’t even try. She was terrified and she no longer cared if it showed. At that moment, she had the strongest urge to turn and run. She took another step back, her foot shifting ever so slightly, and for a moment, the world seemed to freeze, and she came perilously close to bolting. 

Cassandra took a stride forward, cornering her, “You’ve closed the Breach, yes. But we’re not done, nor are you.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to be your damned leader!” Eryn wanted to shout but she kept the volume of her voice down so the others below couldn’t hear. 

“Without you there would be no Inquisition. It-”

“You’re the one who declared it! And you’re Nevarran royalty. Why don’t you be Inquisitor?!” Anger was beginning to creep up in her voice. She felt threatened and cornered. More and more she felt pressed by the frantic urge to run. 

“I know myself, and I’ve come to know you well in the past few months. I cannot be the leader the Inquisition needs, but you can.”

“Then clearly you don’t know me at all…” Eryn grumbled. 

“We must stop Corypheus, and we can’t do that without you. If you’re gone, the Inquisition will crumble.”

“Yeah that’s the problem isn’t it?” Eryn took a step forward for a moment. “You need me… But I don’t need you.” Fed up with arguing, she turned on her heel to leave. As soon as her foot came down on the first step, Cassandras hand caught hold of her arm.

“Corypheus still wants you dead! Without us, you will be alone!”

“I’ve  _ always  _ been alone!” Eryn tried to jerk her arm away, but Cassandra was much too strong for her. “I’m used to it by now.”

“You don’t have to be.”

_ You damn idiots! I’m trying to do you all a favor!  _ Eryn was about to stick a dagger into Cassandras arm to free herself, when Leliana spoke.

“If you don’t want to lead us, then why have you been doing nothing but leading us since the moment you showed up?” 

Eryn stopped. 

“You took charge even in the situation at the Breach. Nobody made you go up and seal it the first time, you simply told us you were going to do it and we followed.”

“I mean… Nobody else seemed to be interested. And if I didn’t do it, no one else would’ve.” 

“And if you hadn’t made the decision to go see Mother Giselle we wouldn’t have gotten anywhere wit the mages or the templars.”

“Well uhh… You would’ve figured it out eventually. I just accelerated the process.” 

“And most recently, with Haven. Need I say more?” 

Eryn stood there silently, wishing she could retort, but knowing she couldn’t. 

Leliana’s voice was firm, “The only difference now is that someone else is asking you to do it. You’ve already made yourself our leader whether you intended it or not, it’s only a matter of making it official.” 

Eryn gritted her teeth. She could hear her fathers words beating in her head again.  _ It doesn’t matter if you asked for their trust or not, they’ve given it to you anyway, and anything that happens to them is on your head. _ But at the same time, terror seized up her stomach when thought of all those lives in her hands.  _ If I make a mistake again, it’s not just a handful of people who will suffer. But if I leave now...  _ Eryn turned her head very slowly and sighed, saying with her face what she couldn’t say with words. 

Leliana’s face softened, “I know. It’s not fair or right. But sometimes things just have to be done.” 

_ I guess I am my fathers child after all.  _ Eryn heaved a big sigh, moved over to where Leliana was, and reached out her hand. She almost needed two hands to pick up the sword. It was much heavier than she’d expected. Every day, through this long and grueling war, it would only get heavier. Inquisitor Cousland. Another title she didn't ask for.   



	10. What's Inside My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *one eternity later....*  
New chapter!
> 
> ** Trigger Warning**  
Just gonna put this here just in case, cause I may not have tagged the story right. There are mentions of suicide and cutting/self-harm in this chapter, and there will be more mentions of these subjects as the story goes on, so please leave now if that's something you can't handle or don't want to read about.  
Also, its worth noting Eryn is NOT the picture of healthy coping mechanisms. Don't be like Eryn. Don't bottle things up. Don't hurt yourself. Talk to someone. Get help. Take care of yourself, please. 
> 
> DONT BE LIKE ERYN. SHES MY PROBLEM CHILD.

Eryn stood in an Orlesian square. The magnificent towering buildings of Orlais stretched up all around her. To the side was a narrow canal with a gondola swaying gently, the water lapping at the stone it was trapped in. Market stalls were scattered about, their products spilling out onto the pavement. She looked up and saw a young woman with long red hair and bright blue eyes staring intently at something on one of the stalls. Eryn smiled and began to walk towards her. Then something thudded into her chest. She looked down and saw an arrow piercing through it. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Not long after, there was another stab of pain, this time in her back, as more arrows were shot into her again and again. Her legs buckled and she went down. 

Splash. Darkness enfolding. The weight of an invisible force pulling down at the shoulders. Eryn was underwater. Ribbons of blood rippling out from her chest, reaching towards the surface. Twinkling lights shimmered in the world above. Bubbles tickled up from her lips, wobbling like little jellyfish as they raced up. Everything inevitably seemed to want to make its way up. Looking down, there was only empty void. 

At last the surface broke, and Eryn gasped for the air she had forgotten she was holding. Water streamed over her face, temporarily blinding her. She swam forward, reaching ahead with her hands. Her fingers brushed against something and she pulled herself up onto it. Her boots squelched, and she managed to stand up. More water trickled out of her hair. She propped herself against a statue and wiped her eyes. Then she looked again. She was leaning against a golden lion statue. Eryn was standing on the vestibule of an Orlesian palace. There were dozens of orlesians milling about. They were featureless blurs of extravagant colors, all crowding into groups and chatting incoherently. Though Eryn was still dripping wet, no one seemed to have noticed or if they did they didn’t seem to care. Eryn wandered into the ballroom just ahead, both men at the door ushering her in as if she were an ordinary guest. She found even more Orlesians and sparkly surfaces. There were lights everywhere, and even more places for the light to reflect. Her found herself hypnotised by the dazzling light show bombarding her vision. For a few moments, she simply squinted out at the scene, trying to let her vision adjust. Then, she saw her. Marjolaine walked past. Their eyes locked and Eryn watched her give her a smug grin before disappearing into crowds. 

Eryn wasted no time, and took off after her. She kept her eyes on her the whole time, pushing through the crowds without slowing down, and paying no mind to any who might be displeased by her rudeness. But even though at one point she had nearly shoved someone into a wall, no one reacted or even acknowledged she was there. Still she kept her dagger well out of sight, not even questioning where she’d gotten it from. It didn’t matter if someone saw her or not. Hell or high water, she was going to wipe that smug grin of her face. Eryn clenched her teeth, not caring that her eyes were so obviously filled with murder anyone would’ve noticed. She finally caught up with her, as she’d stopped for just a moment. With bared teeth Eryn grabbed her, raised the dagger over her shoulder and shoved it into her throat, twisting it viciously. 

Then, in the same instant, Marjolaine’s shape altered and Eryn looked down to see her blade in someone else’s neck entirely. She was looking down at Leliana. Eryn let go and gasped in horror. The shock and terror of the moment was so powerful it physically jolted Eryn backwards, and had she not caught herself on the railing around the dance floor, she would’ve fallen over. Leliana fell to her knees, both hands clutching the gash in her neck. Eryn watched as those bright blue eyes settled on hers one last time, then she pitched forward and lay still. The dagger clattered to the floor, the dark crimson soaking into the bright red carpet. Eryn’s breath rasped, she shoulders rising and falling heavily. Her arms and body was shaking. Bizarrely, no one seemed to have noticed anything was wrong. There were crowds of people all around them, but none of them acknowledged Eryn and Leliana or even looked their way.

Then something moved in the corner of her vision. She turned her head and thought she saw someone watching her. But that someone turned and disappeared into the crowd again. Eryn felt the match of rage struck within her and charged through the crowds of emotionless moving statues, chasing after the figure. 

A door slammed shut just as she came to an open space. Without thinking Eryn pushed through it. Anger evaporated from her face and was replaced by confusion. She was standing in a chantry. She’d entered from a door at the upper left section of the chantry, giving her a view of the chantry mother giving a sermon to one side. The other side hid the participants and pews behind the corner of a wall, but around that corner was the exit. Eryn moved forward keeping her eyes on the ground. The story that was being told was a familiar one. She’d heard the same one told when she was a child. It was the story of Maferath's betrayal. 

As she turned a corner, the congregation came into view but Eryn still kept her eyes down at the floor. She was trying and failing to ignore the words booming in her ears. The chantry mothers voice brought about a suffocating wave of indignant rage. Eryn glanced up for a moment and stopped. She was looking at herself, or someone who looked very much like her, aged maybe 6 or 7. Her younger self sat impatiently fidgeting, glancing around at the scenery, and doing anything but listening quietly. 

Eryn was winding tight, and felt herself on the edge of explosion. A crazy part of her wanted to turn around and throw a knife into the chantry mothers throat so she’d shut up already. She clenched her fists and darted forward again, making for the exit. A new voice appeared right next to her just as she reached the door. 

“But what man can compare to a god?” 

With a shutter, Eryn realized she recognized the voice. She turned her head, and saw the fading wraith of Maferath before her. He was just as she remembered him at the Temple of Sacred Ashes; withered, small and so regretful it hurt to watch him. 

She turned her head again, and the chantry doors had disappeared. The inner sanctum of the temple spread out before her. She could feel the icy air that tasted of death all around her like chains of cold seeking to clench around her lungs and empty them. Eryn found herself walking forward, her feet moving on their own while her body dragged along with them. Her throat closing, because she already knew what she was going to find as she approached the urn of sacred ashes. She had been here a thousand times before, and the end was always the same. Her feet slowly took the steps up, and stopped at the top. There was a slight splat as her foot came into contact with the dark red liquid spreading from the body. Eryn could feel her stomach lurch as she looked down at Leliana sprawled out on the cold stone floor. She knelt down and gently traced her fingers through her bright red tresses. Eryn could feel the tears begin to release from her eyes, when Leliana suddenly moved. Eryn yelped in surprise and gasped for air when a deathly cold hand clamped around her neck. 

Then Eryn awoke, that same deathly cold air surrounding her even as she gasped in the dark. The same thing happened every night. Eryn would fall into bed, close her eyes, and sleep would take her. Then the nightmares would rise over her, and she would once again be trapped in the prison of her mind. Eryn would wake in the middle of the night, and end up lying in the dark staring at nothing, unable to fall back to sleep again. It happened so frequently she becoming afraid to sleep. 

This was strange. The taint induced nightmares she’d had since the blight were always bad, but never as bad as these were, and not nearly as persistent. Usually she could at least get a few nights of peaceful rest. Of course, having Leliana around during the blight did help as well. And these weren't taint induced nightmares. Almost none of them involved the blight, or darkspawn, or anything related. It was always just terrifying torments that cut straight to the heart of who and what she was. Every foolish act, every nagging regret, every secret fear all shoved back in her face practically every night. 

She thought about asking Solas about it from time to time, he was the Fade expert after all, but she decided against it. This was just too personal to talk about with anyone, and far too embarrassing. Children stayed up all night afraid of the monsters under their bed. Eryn was up all night afraid of the monsters inside her head. It was foolish and she had more important things to worry about. 

As Eryn sat panting in the dark, she felt her nerves winding down. The surge of terror within her was finally dying down. The anxious electricity coursing through her was replace by an oppressive weight, like lead in her veins. With the fear and sadness gone, she was left feeling nothing. Empty. Numb. She opened her hand and watched it close into a fist. Her mind was still working, her body still functioned properly, but she felt as if she was just driving an empty piece of machinery. 

Suddenly she was frantic to feel something. Anything that could distract her from this. Even if it was pain. She stumbled over to the chair by her desk where she had slung the harness for her daggers. The daggers were still there. She pulled out one of the dual blades, examining its gleaming surface in the dim amber light. The blade was at least a foot long, curving very slightly like a dragons tooth. The edge was smooth, clean, devoid of any chips and razor sharp thanks to her compulsive sharpening. She rolled up one of her sleeves, exposing her pale flesh. The metal felt cold sliding over her flesh. Until her skin broke, and the first drops of hot red began to leak out. 

Eryn pushed open the wooden door, her mind in a fog. As she passed down the hall towards the wartable room, a draft of cold air blasted past her face, briefly whisking a strand of hair into her eye before she irritably brushed it away. Her hair was getting longer and she’d probably have to cut it again soon. She turned her head and saw the gaping hole in the brickwork that they still hadn’t fixed yet. The sunlight slanted in, little snowflakes glittering in the light as they scampered into only to melt as soon as they hit to floor. Squinting in the sunlight, Eryn could just make out a walkway on the cliff the castle was sitting on. Curious, she carefully climbed out through the gap. Out there the wind was much stronger, and the chill shot through her clothes almost immediately. Her teeth were chattering as she made her way along the side of the cliff, but she ignored the cold. The mountains surrounding the castle rose up around her, their peaks as sharp and jagged as darkspawn teeth. Little wisps of clouds slowly glided around the mountains like ghosts clinging to their gravestones. As she approached the end of the cliff she saw a tree, and rested her hand against it to steady herself as she glanced down over the edge. It was a sheer drop to the rocks and ice below. Surely no one could survive such a fall. She looked at the rocks that stuck out along the cliff face, searching for any that might stop or slow down a fall, but found none. She turned around to see if anyone was watching, and after seeing no one, she backed away from the edge. Her back pressed against the stone bricks of the castle, and she felt the rough surface of the stone as she looked ahead of her. It was a short sprint forward, and a sudden drop into nothingness. Slowly, she leaned forward, putting one foot ahead of her, readying herself for the run. Somewhere on the wintry air there was a voice, a whisper of doubt on the mountain wind, telling her that this might be a terrible mistake, that it wasn’t too late to change her mind. For what? To go on living 30 feet from the life she could’ve had if she hadn’t been a moron? To wake up every morning from hell into another? To live every moment in fear for the people she led? To taste death with every breath? Why? Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if she just… 

“Eryn?” An actual voice called out to her, and she turned to see Josephine watching her from the other side of the gap she’d climbed through. “What are you doing?”

Mist wafted up from Eryn’s mouth as she froze. She hesitated for a moment before replying, “Nothing.” Trying not to give anything away, she straightened up.

“The other’s are probably waiting for you.” 

“... Yeah.” Eryn hesitated for a moment, then made her way back to the gap and climbed through. After dusting herself off and brushing the snowflakes from her hair, she gestured behind her. “We should really fix that.” 

If anyone noticed the dark semi-circles around her eyes, no one said anything, but she did notice Josephine was giving her concerned glances throughout the meeting. She was just glad Leliana hadn’t asked about it. Eryn was in no mood to talk about it, and the simple conversation would’ve turned into a pointless argument. Leliana was becoming more and more stubborn, and just as difficult to argue with. Eryn wondered about that. In the early days back at Haven, she had been more distant, almost indifferent towards Eryn. But after Haven had fallen, Leliana had become more concerned, not just with Eryns job as Inquisitor, but about her personally. Whatever had happened between them in the ice caverns, or right after reuniting with the rest of the Inquisition, seemed to have drawn the two of them closer. It terrified Eryn. 

There was a knock at the door, and at Cullens answer, a runner walked in.

“Pardon my intrusion. Inquisitor, we have a visitor asking to see you.”

“We  _ always _ have visitors.” Eryn rolled her eyes and turned away. “And anyway, I’m a little busy right now. I’m sure they can wait.” She leant over the table and focused back on the maps. She ignored Josephine's obvious discomfort at her rudeness. 

The runner nodded, “I will tell her you are currently occupied.”

“Who is it, by the way?” Eryn asked as her finger traced over a little city in Orlais.

“The Warden Commander of Ferelden, your worship.” 

Eryn’s head snapped up. Without another word, she turned around and darted out of the room, pushing past the runner as she went. 

Eryn recognized her sisters tall, broad silhouette the moment she stepped out of the castle and into the sunlight. Talia Cousland, Warden Commander of Ferelden, was waiting on the battlements, watching the soldiers train below. Her long brown hair was pulled into a messy braid that trailed over her shoulder, and their family blade was still secure on her back. When Eryn joined her on the battlements, she thought her sister looked as if she wanted to head down there and join the other soldiers in their sparring matches. The thought reminded her of their sparring matches when they were children. Talia was always the better fighter, and seemed to always best her. Eryn had lost count of how many times she’d been knocked to the ground by that relentless woman. She’d even seen Talia give their older brother Fergus a run for his money in the ring. There was a reason people called her ‘Bryce's little spitfire’. 

Talia gave her a crooked smile as she turned around, her cobalt blue eyes radiating warmth, “When I heard my little sister was manning the helm of the fammed Inquisition, I had to see for myself that you weren’t being held hostage.”

“I hope you came here to also take the reins from me.”

She chuckled, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint you on this one.” 

Eryn crossed her arms and addressed her sister slyly, “Talia Cousalnd stepping away from duty? What brought this on? Is my irresponsible attitude rubbing off on you?”

Talia’s face went serious, “The Inquisition is  _ your  _ duty. Mine is the wardens. And the wardens are why I’m really here. I figured you could use another warden on your side… And maybe I’ll find out where my own wardens have gone.”

Eryn frowned. “So it’s true. The wardens are gone from Vigils Keep too?”

“Yes.” Talia’s face went serious, “I was hoping you might know something about that, but it looks like you’re just as much in the dark as me.” 

“Yep.” Eryn huffed and rubbed her eyes. She leaned over the battlements, enjoying the rush of cool air against her face. Her head was in a cloud, and she couldn’t get her brain to work. 

Talia noticed and gave her a look of concern, “I’m guessing you haven’t been sleeping any better than I have?”

Eryn nodded. “The nightmares were never this bad during the Blight, and that was when a freakin’ Archdemon was involved! Instead we’ve got a blighted magister twisting around our minds.”

“It’s so strange, during the Blight we dreamt mostly of darkspawn and the Archdemon. But now I’ve been dreaming of Highever in flames. I haven’t dreamt of Highever since the first few months after it happened...”

“I guess we grew up and realized there are more things to be afraid of than darkspawn.” 

“What do you dream of?”

Eryn’s eyes flickered over to her but she said nothing. 

“Come on, Eryn, I told you mine.”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is stopping Corypheus and getting the wardens out of whatever mess they’re in.”

Eryn didn’t turn to look at her sister, but she could still feel those deep blue eyes drilling into the side of her head, “You’ve been dreaming of Leliana again haven’t you? I thought you said you’d gotten over all of that.”

“I’ll never be over it. But now it’s worse than it’s ever been. I keep hearing these weird voices over all of it. They keep whispering things but I can’t figure out what in the blighted void they’re saying.” 

Talia sighed, “It’s the Architect all over again, but worse…” 

“Speak of the devil, did you ever find out anything about him?”

To Eryns dismay, Talia shook her head, “Only a centuries old report from a couple of dwarves who saw three tall darkspawn arguing in the deep roads. Supposedly, one got so mad he ate the other.”

“Ugh.” Eryn made a face, “Talk about indigestion problems…”

“Anyway, I assume the two that were left must’ve been Corypheus and the Architect. So at least we won’t have to worry about anymore of these freaks roaming around causing trouble.”

“That we know of, at least.” Talia gave Eryn a horrified look, “Well I mean, just cause these few dwarves saw them doesn’t mean there aren’t more out there. The others could just as easily have escaped and be hiding somewhere and we just don’t know it. But one of them is definitely out for the count, so we’ll only have-” She stopped a moment to count on her fingers, “Four left to deal with.” 

“That’s not a very cherry thought, Eryn…”

“I’m just being realistic, little miss sunshine.” After a moments silence, Eryn asked, “Are you sure we really killed him?” 

“As sure as I can be. Why?”

“Hawke was so sure she killed Corypheus too, and yet here he is. I’m just- What if we also made the same mistake, and he’s still somewhere out-”

Talia’s hand came down on her shoulder and squeezed it, “If he is, we’ll find a way to truly kill him. Sooner or later we’ll figure it out. We always do. That’s our job, isn’t it? Killing darkspawn. We’re grey wardens, both of us.”

Eryn gave a thin smile and shook her head, “I’m not much of one anymore. I still have the disease, but I ignore the responsibility.” 

“It’s not too late to change that. There’s always extra cots at Vigils Keep, if you’d consider coming back.”

Eryn laughed lightly, “One thing at a time, Talia. Let’s just see if I live through this war.” 

Talia rummaged in her pocket and pulled out something. “By the way, I found something you might want back.” She held out her hand and Eryn gapped. It was a simple light blue ribbon.

“How long have you held onto that?” Eryn took the piece of cloth delicately, turning it over in her hand.

“Since you tried to get rid of it. I knew you’d regret it eventually.” Talia gave her a moment, “I think maybe she should have it back.”

Eryn was silent. She ran her thumb over the cloth. It was still as soft as they day she’d bought it in that Orlesian market square. “I don’t know if she’ll want it back… I think those are memories we’d both be better off forgetting.” 

“You bought it for her didn’t you? I think the decision to bury those memories or hold onto them is hers. You won’t know if you don’t try.” 

Leliana had known about receiving a visit from Hero of Ferelden for some time. The letter had come in a week ago, and she had passed the letter onto Josephine, telling her not to pass it onto Eryn and promising to do so herself. But she hadn’t told Eryn. She had held back the information from Eryn to see how she would react. She’d learned a long time ago that the only way to gauge a genuine reaction from Eryn was to corner her, so she couldn’t run away and hide those emotions. To her relief, Eryn hadn’t looked afraid and angry when the news had come. She’d looked genuinely excited, maybe even a little happy about the news. Leliana had always wondered how the two sisters had been getting along. She’d never met Talia, and from what she’d heard she imagined Eryn probably held a bit of resentment towards her sister. But it seemed they were quite close despite their completely opposite personalities. 

“So, your sister’s alive.” Leliana said when she finally found Eryn again still on the battlements, but in the deserted part of the castle where the walls hadn’t been repaired yet. A big chunk of Skyholds giant wall was lying in rubble, loose bricks scattered about like grey confetti. The sun set fire to the mountains as it began its journey beneath them, the brilliant rays giving one last gasp of warmth to Thedas. The snow glowed with orange light, still almost too bright, even at this hour. Wind rippled through Eryns clothes and hair.

“Yeah.” Eryn turned to face her. It was impossible not to notice how thin she was becoming, especially when she didn’t have her armor on. Her loose clothes seemed to be hanging on the air around her rather than her tiny frame. Leliana was beginning to wonder how much she was actually eating. She certainly wasn’t sleeping, the dark circles around her eyes and the languidness of her motions were telling of that. “After the Blight ended I found out that she’d survived Ostagar along with my brother. She’s the one whose been running Vigils Keep all these years.”

“Strange,” Leliana tilted her head, “I always heard it was you who was doing that.”

“I got it started. At the time they insisted it be the ‘Hero of Ferelden’ who should lead the wardens. But eventually I managed to name her my successor and quietly slip away while she took over. The fact that were both Couslands made it easy, since any who called one us by name usually just called us ‘Warden Cousland’. Believe me, the wardens are a hell of a lot better off in her hands than mine.” 

Leliana knew otherwise. Though Eryn didn’t know it, Leliana had kept an eye on what she’d been up to since the Archdemon fell. She knew about all the murderers and criminals that had met untimely deaths at the hands of the mysterious ‘Dark Wolf’. And she knew that all the money that had rebuilt Amaranthine after the siege had been stolen from smugglers working in the city underground. But only a handful of people had this information. Talia may have been the one giving the orders and receiving the praise, but Eryn was the one who had kept the gears moving. Working in the dark to serve the light. In many ways, Leliana had been doing much the same thing for the Divine all these years. The nature of their work was so alike, and yet they were on different teams. Eryn was an outsider to the chantry and wouldn’t be found anywhere near it, willingly. It was one of the chantrys many flaws that needed to be fixed. 

“How are the rescue efforts?” She asked suddenly, changing the subject. “Have they found anyone alive?” 

“Not yet.” Eryn said as she turned back to gaze over the landscape. Leliana sensed she wanted to say more, but kept quiet.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured. 

“For what?”

“For Haven.”

Eryn turned back to look at her again, a troubled expression on her face, “You have nothing to apologize for. Unless my memory’s going all screwy like the rest of me, it was Corypheus who attacked us. Not you.” She sighed, “You could argue it was more my fault than yours. I’m the one who buried the town after all.”

Leliana shook her head and joined her in leaning over the battlements, “I keep wondering if I could’ve done something different. When the first of my scouts went missing I pulled the rest back. If they’d stayed in the field they could’ve bought us more time. More lives could’ve been saved. But I was afraid to loose my agents. Instead we lost Haven.”

Eryn shrugged, “We’d have lost it regardless. No amount of effort on our part could’ve changed that. We were simply out numbered, and our position wasn’t defendable enough to withstand the force. And besides, your decision to put our people first will be a good reminder to those who survived. Their lives matter to you, to all of us. That can be a powerful thing.”

“Can we afford such sentimentality? What if Corypheus-”

Eryn responded evenly, “How can we afford not to?” Leliana gave Eryn a bewildered look, “People aren’t tools. They aren’t meant to be used and discarded. We all know that. And we need our people more than Corypheus needs his. We have to take care of our people, or they can’t take care of us. Or worse, they just won’t. Nobody fights well for their oppressors. They volunteered for this fight willingly, and we can’t claim to be fighting for what’s right if we don’t practice what we preach. We’re asking these men and women to give up their lives for us, we may as well show a bit of concern for them.”

Leliana was looking at Eryn in a new light. Eryn didn’t look like the scrawny young teen who’d be thrust into war all those years ago. She stood with a casual slump her her shoulders, but her grey eyes were sharp with certainty, her. Leliana had often heard things about the Couslands, about how they were always so beloved by their people. Now she understood why. Eryn had no interest public recognition, or leadership of any kind, yet she spoke like the kind of woman her people would gladly give blood, sweat, and tears for. The Couslands had a unique ability to lead and gain the respect and love of those they fought beside and protected. Maybe it a trait that was subtly taught at an early age, or maybe it was hereditary. Maker only knows. 

“It’s a dangerous thing, having a conscience.” Eryn continued, “But it’s what keeps us human. Better to die an empathetic fool, than to live on forever as a cold calculating weapon.” Eryn walked past her, then stopped a moment. She turned ever so slightly to add before she left, “Trust me… It’s not worth it…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So about Eryn's sister...   
Talia Cousland is another OC that I have and this is an AU in which Talia is Eryn's older sister. Talia was not with her during the Blight so I'm hesitant to call this a multi warden fic, but she did go through the joining at Ostagar. They were separated after Ostagar fell, which is why Leliana never met her until now. I may be writting Talia in another fic that is her own fic later on but the events in this fic do not apply to that one.


End file.
